Diary of a Former Whimpy Pallav

I want to scratch out the word "Whimpy" but can't figure out how.

After spending hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars at various doctors of all modalities and told, behind the curtain that was their laptop and not even looking at me, that I just needed to loose weight and leaving said doctor with unanswered questions like how do I do that when I have NO energy? I got angry, not just with myself, but frustrated at the fact that these so-called healers were not paying attention.  Yes, I know I'm fat but what is the underlying factors to that?  Yes, I know I'm fat and I just paid you $200 to tell me something I already know why??  Yes, I'm fat what else besides diet and exercise is the underlying cause for this?  What is happening and what am I doing that diet and exercise are not working?   After a doctor had told me to learn to de-stress or serious health conditions could arise I realized, I don't know how!  I've never really been educated on how to de-stress.   I had not had a good nights sleep in over 10 years, my doctor had just put me on anti-depressants, vertigo was a daily occurrence and my self esteem was, well, there was none. 

After much frustration and out of shear surrender a family member suggested I try Ayurveda.  I'd never heard of it but I made an appointment in their clinic fully prepared for disappointment.  What I found was more than any modern medical healer had ever shared with me.  I fell into a modality that not only encompasses compassion and understanding but takes the time to make sure that you are fully aware of how you got to where you are and what you can do to make the changes within you in order to get better and be a better person.   After a month of visiting the clinic I became more and more interested and as time passed, my interest became stronger and decided that instead of depending on someone else to tell me how to live better, I would educate myself so I could answer these questions for myself.  During one of the first classes we had to introduce ourselves and talk a little about why and what brought us to study Ayurveda.  I remember saying that after many years of self education and working on my own health this was the last step in my healing.  I also remember my teacher saying "It's the cherry on the top of the Ice Cream Sunday".  If I knew then what I know now I would have chosen different words. 

I can't stress enough that when you know something is off balance and you can feel it in your bones that you are not imagining it; seek out anything and everything that sparks an interest.  That interest just might turn into something so awesomely life changing that you find yourself taking back your life in such a powerful way that negativity, hurtful thoughts or toxic people take notice and want to change because they see the lightness in you that is unsurpassed.

I am grateful for the knowledge that has been entrusted to me and am excited to apply this knowledge further in my life and to others who are struggling.

I had a teacher once say "Everyone is fine but we could all be finer". These last two years have not only been the cherry but I have a whole new different flavor of Ice Cream Sunday. 

Sitting on the Rim of the World

In my youth and early adulthood I spent many summers working up in Yosemite at various family camps.  These were my wonder years. After a devastating fire wiped out one camp, damaged another and destroyed acres and acres of land that I called home (and in my heart still do).  I wrote this out of sadness.  Just outside the camps, there is a vista point.  When you sit on the edge of the wall looking out to the vast forest that lay in-front of you it's as if you were sitting on the rim of the world.  This letter is in response to that destruction.

Dear Mother Nature;

Time travel is possible.  Smell alone can be the transportation back to a time that was so concentrated, awesome and unexplainable to someone who had not experienced it.  No one understands how by the mere sight, sound, smell and feel of your unbridled ability to take structures and make them breathtaking yet in the same breath destroy all that has become known, seen, felt and tasted by those who dare tread. 

Waking from an uninterrupted slumber in the back of the old Datsun not sure where I was and fumbling out of the car I managed to gain my traction only to be greeted by standing at the bottom of nothing but shear rock towering over an ant like presence caused my heart to skip a beat and I fell in love.  For the next six years I rekindled this love affair only to have that pure white hot sense of mutual respect appear and blanket me in warmth, love, laughter and surrounded by like minded people.   You served as the backdrop of my initiation into adolescence & early adulthood.  You gave a wide birth to me so I could learn how to become part of community, and laid the foundation for my work ethic that is still etched into my being.  You showed me to let go and do what scares me most (even if it means STILL being grounded).  You showed me that a life not well lived is not a life at all.

From 15-21 I'd spend months in your blanket.  Waking up to the smell of trees that have been sprouting long before I even could walk, taking in the fresh clean air permeating my lungs and giving me new appreciation for life and experiencing your frigid yet refreshing mountain waters as I dip into the welcoming pools of liquid euphoria.

I understand what you do is for the good of the planet, SOMETIMES.  I also understand that we, the human race, have failed you in our ignorance and disregard for all that is within your realm.  Standing idly by watching a love singed and frayed with remnants of what was and seeing images of tall ghosts impregnating the ground blackened by Tej and left smoking of Akasha is a reminder of your wrath.  You have played a big part in me finding acceptance at a time in a young teenagers life where anxieties, need for fitting in and learning about life, love and what it means to belong to a community of like minded people is teetering on the high wire between finding bliss and self loathing.  The gifts you have bestowed are never far from my memory or heart.

To not have you within a few hours reach is devastating.  I agree that it is important to not have attachment and I don't, physically, but I can't seem to sever my spiritual attachment to you.   My heart is aching for you and I fear that as time passed and life went on our connection is quivering; a mere mirage of a waking dream.   I'm asking you to not feel abandonment and I have not abandoned you, I simply needed a gentle reminder that time travel is possible and standing on the rim of nature and nurture is a living breathing entity that is not to be taken for granted. You set a new kind of fire, one within me that was extinguished by materialistic thoughts and objects of which I am just now beginning to question.  That part of me that was wild, untamed, while seeing with eyes wide open is slowly re-emerging pleading to not let fear become an adversary against possibilities.

In awe,

Romny

I'm Meditating!

I've started taking Mediation classes.  It's only been the fourth day but I'm slowly realizing that I've been doing mediation for a number of years and just didn't know it or know what or how to do it properly.  I'm learning a different kind of mediation from what I'm used to and by doing this type of mediation I'm am finally learning to let go of stress, anxieties and judgement of myself.  My hope is that by doing this 2 times a day for 20 minutes each I will learn to finally let go and be comfortable not just in my own skin but in life in general.  I've never felt comfortable with myself or with my life.  I've always felt like I'm missing some great universal great unknown understanding that was given out on a day I was sick and never got. 

I'm not much for verbal words and writing has always been easier for me to do.  Along with that I'm learning to listen more and not discount what positive people say about or to me.  It is easy to believe the negatives or untruths and when these untruths are more frequent than positive things it is much easier to believe the negative and your body, well, at least mine, can't compute when someone says something as simple as "I like your shirt". It's like my system does a hiccup and then tries to correct that hiccup but ends up tripping over itself.   I get taken back and the first thing that I want to say is "what do you want from me". For the most part when someone does compliment me they don't understand, then again how could they, that I'm not being rude when I don't automatically respond in kind.  It's something that is far and few between for me I stall; physically and mentally.  My gut reaction is to automatically go to a place of that they don't really mean it they are just saying it because they want something from me and they are not being authentic.   The truth is, someones ulterior motives or secondary gain is not my problem. Their actions are their own Karma and if the person is expressing a compliment under false pretenses that is for them to deal with.  I'd like to think that  everyone is innocent to begin with and until proven otherwise I need to re-direct my own anxieties and doubts away from them.  With that said, I'm often misunderstood for what I say, do or write.  90% of the time I say what I mean and mean what I say.  People don't seem to get that and I'm not quite sure how to express that without getting snarky or rude. 

With that said, sometimes my actions are grossly misunderstood and come across as something they are not.  For example, a few years ago, when I was working, I knew someone that was having a tough time with life and it wasn't getting any better.  At the time I was financially able to help this person out.  I'm more inclined to help someone out financially who is clearly in need but too humble to ask.  I lent the money without expectation of repayment.  A few weeks later during a conversation it came out that this person thought the only reason why I lent the money was for other reasons other than to just help someone out that was too proud to ask for it.  I have to say, I was hurt and disgusted that this person thought my reasons for helping were anything other than the fact that this person needed help and I was financially in the position to and didn't expect to be repaid.  I made the mistake of making my feelings known in a much more flavorful way but I wanted to get my point across that what was being implied was not o.k. with me and my gesture was nothing but HELP....pure unadulterated HELP.  Looking back I realize, it's not my job to explain myself to people.  If they want to think one way that's their decision.  What I could do is make it clear if the next time the opportunity arises, I'm unemployed now so it will be a while, but if it does, I'll be more clear of my intentions and any other motive is of their own interpretation. 

On my fourth day of this new Mediation, I'm starting to experience aches and pains a few hours after the session.  I'm not sure if that's just a residual effect or I just slept weird.  My last class is tonight so this is something I will address.  In the mean time, this whimpy Pallav will choose her words wisely and make my intentions clear with no or less room for self interpretation thus causing stress and uncomfortableness within myself.

El Capitan

One afternoon, in my early pre-teen years,  fell asleep and when I awoke I had been transported to a place that was awesome, inspiring, and just mind blowing.  I remember my first word as I was groggy and just waking up from sleep as being "WHOA!!!!" That visit ignited something within me that to this day holds a flame and every time I revisit my heart skips a beat and I fall in love.

A few short years later I am presented with the opportunity to embrace that love affair and I did with enthusiasm. My formative teenage years were spent spending summers with my love of the land, air, space, water and fire.  I experienced what most teenage girls do, their first summer fling, first sense of independence and first taste of responsibility.  I spent 3 1/2 years in this space and in that time learned a lot about what I believe in and what nature can show me.  I also was confused.

My other seekers who have experienced that same unexplained awesomeness of the land felt that for some reason climbing to the tippy top of the highest granite mountain and becoming part of the "club"  was more important than the journey.  My fear of heights stopped me from joining this select few, or that's what I told myself at the time.  Realistically, I never felt the need to hike so far so high and so far wide to have the need to become part of the elite....

20 years later i find that I'm on my way to climbing a different mountain.  One that is full of more truth and more profoundness and one that could supersede the need be part of the elite.  For me, dear Palvaian readers,  I AM you. I AM learning what, where and when it means to become a soul that not only has a heart that skips a beat when they see natures grandeur offerings but to those in a more human form as well.  I AM slowly but surely and on my own terms climbing El Captian.

Solitude

I've been spending the last few weeks reviewing and studying and re-reading some of the more contemplative aspects of Ayurveda.  One concept that keeps coming back to me is that we as humans are alone and what relationships are and what they mean.  We are born alone, we die alone and if you really stop and think about it for the most part we spend our lives...alone.

Other than our family, teachers and community there are other kinds of relationships or interactions with others that we all cultivate during various times of our lives.  There are those who come into our life to teach us a hard lesson about ourselves and our beliefs and challenge just how far we are willing to stretch our boundaries, there are those that come and go and come back not just out of boredom but they just wander in and out and provide the short term friendship that you may need at that time. There is no hard feelings, no anger nor any resentment.  It is what it is. There are those that give the illusion of being your friend only to ignore or stab you in the back and then there are those that come into your life and never leave.  These are the people that you've known for years and no matter what happens or how much time has passed you just pick up the conversation where you last left off without missing a beat.  For me, these are the best relationships.  Sure, we find friendships and companionship's and have that need for that special someone but with all of this in mind when you are really tested the only person that you can 100% not be disappointed in is yourself.  It is YOU that makes decisions, it is YOU that makes those actions, it is YOU who has those thoughts and it is YOU who ultimately have to live with those decisions, actions and thoughts.

If anything, my dear Pallavian readers that I wish for you to take away from this post is that what I'm trying to say.  I'm not talking about sadness, loneliness, or desperation.  It's quite the opposite.  The message I would like to share with you that it is a blessing to understand that in the grand scheme of things we, as humans, are only have ourselves.  For those with children, yes, you have small ones to take care of and bring up into this world but I also know that after your children are of age you can set them free.  It is at this time your children need to know that ultimately, they are are responsible for their actions, thoughts, and behavior.

It saddens me when I see or hear of someone hurting and pining for support and approval from others. Don't get me wrong, that support is justified; everyone wants to feel heard but at the same time that support is fleeting.  In order to lead a life of peace realizing that it is only you that can provide the ultimate support.  This doesn't mean to close yourself off from the world and not accept help when offered.   But at the end of the day finding solace and comfort within ourselves is all we have.

Realize....

I recently returned from a Hypnotherapy conference.  I attend this conference every year and every year I come back more knowledgeable, more skilled and above all more confident.  This year I became aware that the need to spread the meaning Seva is imperative.  As I sat around a table with other colleagues talking about case studies and brainstorming, the topic of what someone charges for their services came up.  Some people charge exuberant amounts of money and when I asked what types of Seva they preform they looked at me blankly.  “Do you do any selfless service of some kind” I explained, and was answered looks of confusion.  Again, I asked "Do you offer any free classes, seminars, or consultations to the community?" and again I was answered with blank faces accompanied with "we need to make a living somehow".  My heart sunk.   

We are given the gift to heal people; people who most likely can’t afford traditional help and these colleagues didn’t take that into consideration?  I walked away with a heavy heart and scared for my profession.  The next morning my heaviness was still there but it was accompanied with a sense of renewal.  I’ve been shown that not everyone fully understands the power they hold.   By making the commitment too not only provide Seva within my Ayruvedic community but by educating my fellow Hypnotherapists of the concept of Seva will make their own practice that much more sweeter.  I’ve re-committed myself to what I’m studying and will be including these teachings to not only just my potential Hypnotherapy clients but my fellow Hypnotherapists as well. 

Chameleons

Are you aware of just how amazing and transformational our bodies, minds and souls are?  I've been embarking on a very personal journey not only to share my successes and failures but my hope is that you, my Pallavian readers, grow to understand just how much of an amazing powerful dynamic life we have.  With the exception of those serious cases it is sad that it has become the norm to have to be tied to synthetic prescriptions or have a disease.  For example, Western doctors are quick to dole out the antidepressant prescriptions without a lengthy examination or exploration of other avenues. I'm not discounting the disease, depression is real.  I know this.  I also know that the only ticket for entry of a prescription needed was to be asked one or two questions, the doctor never once looked me in the eye and slapped a prescription down faster than I could put my shoes back on.  The only thing missed was the doctor proclaiming "NEXT PATIENT!"

We have the power to change things about ourselves that we do not like and not just for vanity's sake but for the sake of our sanity.  Going through life feeling judged, put down, harassed and belittled by those who have yet to be granted the honor and blessings to learn what it truly means to be a human BEING is not a life, it's settling.  We willingly settle to accept these non truths about ourselves and it's not until we find a teacher who shows us that what we initially thought to be a snake was really just a rope.  There is a teacher in all of us.  Some show us our misguided behavior while others teach us patience and unconditional love. We fill ourselves with illusions of grandeur wanting needing having and yet ultimately wanting needing and having more only to never find ourselves satiated when in fact what we really need we had to begin with we just didn't see it.    

Fully acknowledging the challenges and imperfections of others and frankly not really caring if they have one arm or no legs or can't see, speak or hear can lead to a life of fulfillment simply by honoring and appreciating and recognizing that I am that.  Like increases like and when we feel passionate about something or someone we recognize parts of them or it that we have in ourselves. It's when we recognize those parts then all other imperfections become a non issue and vise versa.  When we see something in people that we can't stand it's more likely than not that we too have those same attributes that we don't like about ourselves. 

We set ourselves up for failure doing the same things over and over only to expect a different result.  It's not until we realize that we need to find a different way of doing things will the result be different.  We worry about what other people are thinking or saying about us when in fact who cares!?  As long as you live, eat and breathe YOUR truth no one can make you feel less than what you are and you Pallavian reader are THAT.

As a chameleon changes the color of their skin depending on the environment they are in; we can change our attitudes about ourselves, others and our circumstances.  It doesn't happen like some supernatural snap of the fingers or wiggle of the nose. It takes time, patience and most of all the wanting to change.  For this Whimpy Pallav settling isn't an option. 

Spring Cleaning

Spring has sprung and so has my digestion.  This year I decided to participate in a new type of Spring cleaning health regimen by going on an Amm Patchan diet.  This seven day diet consists of seven different kitcherie recipes all with different levels of intensity.  The purpose of this diet is not to purge and ream your body of waste but to clear any undigested food in your system that if not properly digested can manifest into harmful toxins or precursors to health issues down the road.   The reason why I went on this diet is because I figure if I am going to recommend a client go on it I should try it one time just so I will know what they are experiencing.

This is not a diet for the weak.  It's not painful in the way that it "cleans" you out like some diets but it IS difficult. I have considered nixing the diet several times a day but I know in the end I will have the satisfaction of knowing I've done it and my regular food will taste so much better!  Not to mention after comparing notes with some classmates on their experiences I've decided that some of them have it way worse than me so this Pallav is going to suck it up!

Day One:
Rice gruel...basically you overcook rice and use minimal spices.  This tastes like paste. I had to make it twice because the first batch was virtually in-edible.  Felt o.k. was hungry but not ravishing.

Day Two:
Rice and green dahl gruel.  A teeny tiny bit better still not great tasting but it filled me up and I knew it was nourishing.  Felt o.k. still was a little bit more hungry than the day before and had a dull headache.

Day Three:
Twice cooked rice & yellow dahl with asparagus.  I was excited to make this not only because I could add more spices adding to flavor but i like asparagus.   I like this recipe and thought to myself that I would add it to my repertoire of side dishes in regular meals.  Felt a little bit dazed and hungry still but I like this one so ate quite a bit of it.  Headache still but a bit more intense.

Day Four:
Twice cooked rice, yellow dahl, spinach and dandelion greens.  This was a step down from the previous days recipe.  I could eat a bowl and be o.k. but on this day my body was really reacting to the lack of regular foods.  I did feel a little bit lighter in my body but also dizzy, weak and by 9:00 p.m. i had a massive migraine.  Spent the night being sick from it.

Day Five:
Today is Friday, Friday normally means burrito day.  I'm sacrificing my burrito for better digestion.  I'm not happy about this so today's mantra is "2 more days". Still feeling a slight headache and not very hungry as a result from yesterday's migraine but I will give it the old college try.  Today is just plain kitcherie (rice, yellow dahl, spices and dum da dum....GHEEEEEEE!). Having Ghee almost makes up for not having the burrito....almost.

Day Six:
Consisted of rice gruel, dahl & cauliflower.....oh, and passing out from hunger in public.

As a result I needed to stop my regimen a day early.  Me passing out was not worth the eating regimen (or there lack of).  Do I feel better, a little to yes.  Would I do this again? NO.  Would I recommend it?  NO.  It was a good experiment not only to see if I could do it and how my body responded but as for a seven day cleanse for this Whimpy Pallav three days would suffice.

Six Month Review

Hi,

It's been a long time since I've posted.  Time for another employee review.   Six Months ago I chose to leave a job that kept me down, made me feel small, and slowly sucked any ounce of morale left in me to the point that I was left fighting for my health.  When your Western doctor says, in not so may words, that your job is causing considerable emotional stress that if you don't do something about it you will find yourself in serious harm then it's time to make some changes.  I can only account for my actions and lack of responsibility to rectify a situation that was slowly extracting my existence with a life size reamer and for that I can only explain that it was my Karma.  For actions of others that is their Karma and I hope that they may have reflected on their behavior and going forward remember we are all human and to provide the support and proper guidance that any human deserves.  I knew my health was in jeopardy a full year before making the departure.  I had been interviewing and applying for other positions and didn't leave my position without another job; however, the job that I did take proved that I had merely jumped out of the fire and into the frying pan and quickly remedied the situation by removing myself from what would've been another toxic work environment.

Am I angry?  Am I bitter?  Am I hellbent on revenge?  No. 

I'm sad and thankful.  I'm sad because I let myself get to this point.   I'm thankful because I let myself get to this point.  Learning and growing and studying under the guidance of teachers who I've been blessed to have in my life has given the opportunity to see a lifelong harmful pattern that I seem to think is my punishment to carry with me.  Being able to express discrimination and gauge what is my truth has become an intricate part of my own healing.  Why let someones poor actions effect me so much?  Why do I seem to think that I should not ask for help or guidance when clearly I'm in need of it?  These are questions I've been asking myself for the last six months.  What I've come up with so far is:

-We are responsible for our words and actions.  We are not responsible for others words or actions.

- Allowing someone to hurt you is a direct reflection of how you hurt yourself. Your own Karma is effected too.

-Forgive yourself before you forgive others.  But don't forget about their behavior and know that any further interaction will be the same.

-Be smart about your decisions and behavior. 

Fingernails

I lived on the East Coast for most of my childhood and would frequent the Washington DC area.  We would usually take the train in and would snicker to myself every time we would encroach "Foggy Bottom".  We spent many hours at the Smithsonian and the usual haunts but one particular outing included a trip to the White House during Christmas time.  I was a small six year old and usually needed help to see things in large crowds (somethings never change).

On this particular day it was just my mom and I and it was the lighting of the Christmas tree. We were about ten rows back and I could just barely make out First Lady Rosalynn Carter through the curtain of people in front of us.  I remember telling my mom that I couldn't see very well but there was really nothing she could do about it.  Then it happened......

Out of nowhere this alabaster hand bejeweled with blood red talons reaches in, grabs my arm, pulls me away and shoves me in the front of the crowd.  The next 10 min is a bit of blur because i just stood there crammed in with a bunch of other kids thinking to myself "WTF just happened!?"  After the pictures were taken, speeches made, and all other plesantries were over everyone dispersed and when i found my mom a massive meltdown ensued.  I remember crying my eyeballs out!  It wasn't until later was it explained to me that they wanted more children in the front of the crowd and without even asking my mom some White House intern just grabbed me and stuck me in the front.  I guess looking back I should be grateful that I was given this opportunity but as a plucky six year old this just translated to be a very scary experience. 

Why am I telling you this? No particular reason.  Do I need a reason?

Fraud

I've been slacking on the writing thing...there's no excuse just being lazy but sitting here trying to figure out what to write about and read and re-reading some of my older posts and one thing kept popping up "Romny, you are a fraud".  Countless times I've written how I am going to start putting myself out there and how I'm going to change my sad sack of a life but to tell the truth, I've been saying this for over 3 years now and frankly, nothing except for my waist size has changed (and not for the better).

It's no secret that reading, reflecting and thinking are things that I love to do but these are done too much.  When situations call for it I do step up and try to make an effort and participate.  When in a work situation or a small group (3-4 people) I'm a rock star but put me in a roomful of people that I don't know and I shrivel up and become the awkward wallflower social nightmare.  Which leads me to believe that my natural state of being is one of solitude, reflection, quiet, and peace. 

There's a saying that I love to use..."Shit or get off the pot" I hate it when people who I have known for some time bitch and moan about the same problems but yet show no willingness to do anything about their situation.  I'm afraid, readers of this Pallavian, I'm one of these people too.  Even I'm sick and tired of hearing my own voice piss and moan about how fat I am, how lonely I am, how I'm gonna make things different.  My inner counselor is telling me "shit or get off the pot!".

For me, the key word is "accountability".  There is no one that I need to be accountable for or too, oh, no, wait, the healthy person would say "I need to be accountable to myself".  Thank you, Joe Goodie Two Shoes, don't you think I already know that!?  Right before school let out I got busted again.  My doctor asked me how much of a spiritual person am I.  My initial response was I don't belong to an organized religion which was quickly corrected that that's not what the question was.  What she was asking was what do I do for my soul that grounds me.    For a long time I have been avoiding the elephant in the room; that is and I'm not looking for pity here, but I've always felt like the "oh by the way" the "oops we forgot about" the "oh, yeah, didn't even think about you".  I'm invisible and for the most part I would be o.k. with that but physician heal thyself....I need to shake this feeling of worthlessness because frankly, I'm starting to fade and fear eventually I will just disappear and for that reason I do start to light lamps or chant but only for a short time.  I have no ability to keep it up.

I took the last two months of 2012 off and intended to use that time to get things done that I have had to put on the back burner due to work and school.  For that entire time (with the exception of the last two weeks) I was the lucky recipient of a bronchial infection that would cause me to spew up things that frankly horrified me.  I lost my insurance but schlepped myself to the doctors anyway who in turn gave me inhalers that for the most 98.9% have worked!  I've still got some coughing but I don't sound like a smokers cough infused with the sound of the last drops of a milk shake being sucked out of a straw.

So what AM I doing?  I was recommended a book that took me a very long time to get "Happiness Unfolded: Self Unfoldment in an Interactive World" by Swami Bodhananda.  I've started reading and am pleased that I already know some of the concepts that he discusses as we discuss them in class.  My intention is to complete the book and use these tools flawlessly so that this fraud can get a backbone.

Year in reivew

Hi,

2012 is nearing it's end and I'm finding myself reflecting...

First the given:

-Yes, I'm STILL single...hello? cupid? did you die!!????  It's not for lack of trying.. men just think with their penis more than their heart and soul these days...I guess.

-Yes, I'm still pretty much happy with my life....have my own home.

Next the new:

After much meditation and a nightmarish/fearful lecture from my Dr. I have resigned from my job.   I'm sick, I'm very sick and I need to get my health to a level to where me and  my Dr. feels more confident that i won't keel over. As a result and after much pro/con meditation I quit my just shy 7 year job in publishing to concentrate on my health and turn my efforts into a field that over the years has become near and dear to me.

Through out the the year i have posted what has been on my mind but you really have no idea what has been in my soul.   Over the last year I have been embarking on my own health, mental and physical, journey.  Silently i have been fighting my demons and silently I have been slaying my nemesis.

Stay tuned for more.....

New Segment-4 a.m. role-call with Milo 12/13-12/16

Hi,

In light of yesterday's senseless tragedy I wanted to bring a little whimsy into my life.  I'm starting a new segment called "4 a.m. role-call with Milo" where i will post the whereabouts of my one year old tabby at 4 a.m. Postings will cover an entire week as not to over post.  I will not be sharing this on my Facebook page because come on- even I know that's just a little too close to being labeled the "crazy cat lady" and I'm sure no one really wants to know or cares exactly where my furry kid is at 4 a.m. Not sure how long i can keep this up or how many times per week I will actually be up at 4 a.m. but it will be fun when I can. This is for pure entertainment and something to post.

Thursday, Dec. 13:  Sitting on my bedside table starring at me in the dark (evidence attached):

Friday, Dec 14: Under the sheets hogging the ENTIRE bed.  This cat literally pushes my legs to the side so he can stretch out.

Saturday, Dec 15:  He's no where to be found but racing up the stairs can be heard.  I'd also like to make an honorable mention that his sister, Lenore is also MIA.  I suspect they are trying out for the buffalo races.

Sunday, Dec 14: Snuggled up in my armpit...my arm is aching!

Prayer

It's super late and I'm super tired but i also wanted to get this down before i went to sleep....It was a dark and stormy night....o.k. sorry, had to do it.  It was dark and it was stormy and yes, it was night but on my two hour drive home my brain was churning with all the thoughts from the evenings activity of listening to one of my favourite authors speak.

I've heard Anne Lamott before at the Book Passage in San Rafael something like 15 years ago so I was much overdue for another visit.  Why is she one of my favorite authors?  In my humble opinion, she writes in a style that for me flows beautifully.  She has a healthy balance of humor and topics that are very real and she's local therefore the towns she sets her books in are local and it's really easy for me to follow as to where the characters are physically in the stories.

Tonight's reading was based off of her latest book: Help, Thanks, Wow.  A short book (100 pages or so) on prayer.  Now, I don't belong to any religious organizations but from what I've read of the book (only have read up to the 2nd chapter) It's not really about religion persay but the notion that there is a hodgepodge of pain and suffering in this world and we, as humans, all need a little compassion towards one another. Someone crying for help is just looking for a little compassion and just knowing that there is another soul willing to slog through the crap even if it's just as a sounding board or shoulder to rest upon while one gets their balance prayer does not discriminate.  There is no right or wrong way to pray nor are there any hidden agendas.  For example, I prayed that I would get home without hydroplaning my car on the freeway...

She also mused about random observations like:

-When you are faced with those monkey mind jiva like thoughts of "my butt looks fat" or "I'm not good enough" or "that group of people are saying not so nice things about me" stop and ask yourself "Do I really have the time for this thought"?  For the most part the answer is most often "NO".  Asking yourself this question is not out of ego but more about what is important to you and what is real. 

-One woman asked "I'm a writer and a Christian how do i get people to not put a label on me?" In this humble Pallav's opinion, this person just labeled herself to an auditorium full of people and my first thought was "Well, don't tell people that!, duh!"  Being a writer has no bearing on what your personal religion is unless you are writing for the Christian community it shouldn't matter what your religion is.

-She brought up some highlights that I've been working on for myself..things like being present, finding something that grounds you (like lighting a lamp-yes, she said that), find what resonates with you and keep it near and dear.  These are all things I've been learning in my classes and things I've been gracefully reminded that I need to be more aware of in order for me to find absolute peace with myself.


Oh, and finally, got my copy of the book autographed.....tee hee

Hemanta

Ohhhhhhhh It's the most wonderful time of the year!  The leaves are a blowing and ghee is a flowing and there is Paneeeeeeeeeerr!  It's the most wonderful time of the yeaaaaar!!!!

We are now in Hemanta.  From November 14th to January 14th is the BEST time of the year.  For the next three months, food wise, anything goes!  The purpose of Hemanta is to build up good Kapha.  Kapha is stability, strength, and gives you structure.  This season also coincides with the Thanksgiving and various December holiday festivities so you want that turkey, go ahead, pumpkin pie, sure why not, extra dollop of whip cream go for it!  But be careful, everything in moderation:

You should eat foods that are cooling and pacifies Pitta,  Vatta will be undisturbed, Kapha will build up but in a healthy manner and your Agni is good.   All in all this is the season where all three doshas are balanced.  Foods that are sweet, sour and salty are best.  Things like meats and figs are recommended as well as sugar and eating a healthy dose of nuts.  To aid in your digestion, warm water is best as it opens up the channels and allows for all the sweet, salty & sour nutrition from the foods into your system and nourishes your dahtus.

For your lifestyle, exercise is recommended along with plenty of sex.  Want a baby? Now's the time. Extra oiling of the body is recommended to keep the joints in the body working smoothly and skin looking supple.  And warm clothing is also recommended.

Oh, and also in Hemanta, this happened:

Small Victories

Well, this Whimpy Pallav is slowly but surely making her way to be a non-Whimpy Pallav.  I did something this week that was scary yet necessary.  I feel good about my decision and know that in the long run this will be beneficial for not just my going forward with my learning and seeking but my body and soul.  I can already feel the tension lifting and my authentic self is starting to emerge.   

I've always known i needed to take charge of the situation.  One of my favorite sayings is "best you make changes before changes are made for you".  No one has the right to make you feel small and un-important.  After several attempts to voice my concerns and them being dismissed and construed as complaining it occurred to me....I'm not really complaining to them; I'm complaining to myself and the reason why nothing is being done is because I am not making the effort to change.  Well readers of this Pallavian....I've done it.  I've taken control of the situation.  I don't know what took me so long. I'm usually on top of other aspects of my life but for some reason when it came to this one area and I coward in the corner waiting for the ever so coveted approval that frankly was never going to come.  I'm getting to know myself on a deeper level and in these lessons I've learned that I'm so much more than a carbon based walking blob. 

On Thursday nights my teacher holds Satsangs, these are short 1 hour spiritual lessons to ease the mind and feed the soul.  I find that I struggle with a lot that life throws at me and when I hear her teachings I try to apply them to my own life and how I can better myself.  Last week her lecture was about the seven levels of relationships, based on the seven chakras, and letting things pass as they will.  Whatever happens happens and there is no point in getting worked up over it. 

Brahm Satyam Jagana Mithyā

(Decommission your Jiva mind)

One layer am struggling with was the student/student relationship or in my case coworker/coworker relationship.  This is the third chakra which is located in the upper stomach area.  This hold anger, desire, conflict.   So for me I interpret this to mean that this is the make or brake in a professional career and how we perceive each other is how things happen.  Whether it be an act of working as a team or sabotaging one person to benefit yourself.  To me this seems contradictory since i consider (others may disagree) that I am fairly easy to work with and can manage to get along with everyone.  But looking back I think the only person i was sabotaging was myself.  There are those few that just push my buttons and i think the reason why is they are showing me aspects of myself that I may not (or I do and don't want to) see and forcing me to deal with those aspects.

I decommissioned my SOB of a Jiva and you know what, the heavens opened up and brought to me the answer that I've been seeking to the question of : I know where I want to go I just don't know what to do to get there.  I think the crux of my struggle was that deep down I knew my life path was no longer the current path I was walking.  My beliefs and experiences for finding peace of mind body and soul is changing and with that are my desires to share and spread that you don't have to be miserable, suffering or unloved.    

So dear Pallavian readers, this Whimpy Pallav did something brave.  She surrendered to the universe, gave her notice and knows that everything will be o.k.

The Nine Pound Bully

It saddens me that someone feels so low so beaten so emotionally scarred that in order to survive feels that making another human being feel just as low, beaten or emotionally scarred will aid in their own healing.  Well, it doesn't.  You just look like a fool.  As a former recipient of those aforementioned bullies when I see another human or animal being bullied it effects me to the core. From the tender age of 10 to just out of high school I was bullied and I didn't really do anything wrong, people just felt that it was o.k. to treat me that way.  In high school I even contemplated moving to another county because i was un happy and dreaded going.  I remember one particular phone call i received it was just before graduation and somehow this person got my phone number.  I never talked to this person we had a few classes but i never really associated with her. She said she was calling to invite me to a school wide party and everyone would be there...i could hear laughter and snickering and one nasty comment about me in the background where upon I respectfully declined. What happened to this person that was so horrible that they had to be that mean spirited?  Another incident was at a school function where we had to pick teams. I remember one boy in particular looked at me and said "Eww" ; ummm excuse me, you don't even know me!   Yes, High School was not fun for me.  I left town the day I graduated and never looked back.  Why?  Because of the daily targeting for bullies.

This morning i came to the realization that there is a bully in my midst.  As I was getting out of bed and ready to start my day I am usually greeted by my sweet Lenore.  She usually sits quietly next to me or she was conducts her famous "drive bys".  She likes to start at the window, jump down from her perch, walk around the bed to the other side, jump on the bed and walk right across my chest back to the window. She does this five or six times until eventually I do get up to get her morning snackie cake. 

This morning Lenore was doing her morning rounds and in between she would sit quietly on the bedside table and wait.  She was minding her own business when her younger brother sprung out of nowhere and attacked her.  This wasn't your usual kitty playtime attack this was the act of a bully!  She jumped off the bed and started to walk out whereupon I heard a yowl and when i looked over Lenore was on the ground in defensive mode and Milo was standing over her.  It was clear Lenore wanted to be left alone yet Milo kept egging her on. 

I will not have this behavior in my house.  Milo was given a time out and Lenore was able to get her bearings.  After about 5 min in timeout Milo was given his breakfast.  I don't condone bullying.  It's hurtful, un necessary and brutal.  People are losing their loved ones because someone else cannot be civilized and feel that making someone else feel low and unimportant will somehow boost themselves up.  If bullying boosted your self esteem so much so that everyone is your friend and you are well liked then why are there only a few cowards that do it?

This is something that really shakes me to a core. This Whimpy Pallav will not stand for bullying especially in her own home and certainly not by members of her family (furry or otherwise).

Cancer

To offset the fact that i have no social life, probably never will, I have decided to delve myself even deeper into the knowledge of healing the mind, body and soul.  With this I attended a one day lecture on Ayruvedic practices and cancer prevention.  Having a father, grandfather, and stepfather all diagnosed with some form of cancer; the disease is not a new term or concept for me and i refuse to succumb to the assumption that I'm also a high risk candidate.  I'm really glad I went to this lecture.  Some of what was discussed was not new material for me, some was, and some, I was surprisingly and gratefully reassured that without my knowing I was already on the road to a cancer free life.

According to Ayruvedic principles the #1 cause for cancer is stress.  Living in a society of the gotta have it nows, my toy is bigger, badder, and has more trinkets as well as one belief being that success is defined by how much money you have can be taxing on one and interfere with what is more of a Sattvic lifestyle.

There was a lot shared but here are just a few take aways:

-In the sea of life Ayruveda shows us how to keep our heads above the waves and stay with the current by adjusting our thoughts, eating and physical being....in other words, the instructor prescribed us with a healthy dose of "Just keep swimming" (reminds me of a certain absent minded blue fish)

-Practicing yoga or meditation 45 min before you start your day and 45 min before you go to bed not only grounds you for the day but settles your monkey mind for a restful sleep

-Eating more seasonally appropriate foods and preferably vegetarian (but who am I kidding, I love a good steak now and then) accompanied with garnishes such as cilantro, methi (which is sanskrit for Fenugreek), and chutneys help digest your meal and clears out the pallet.

-With food Spices such as garlic, tumeric, cumin, asafetida (but just a pinch this stuff is potent!), Onion, cardamom, coriander and ginger all help in their own special way.

-Drinking warm water or herbal teas (green tea in particular) are good substitutes for the thirst. 

-Some after food spices are things like fennel, nutmeg, cinnamon and ginger.  You can also use some of the same spices noted for putting into your meal.

This Whimpy Pallav walked way with some nuggets of wisdom and a new regimen to her diet and lifestyle.  You better watch out because i will be carrying a supply of Cancer arsenal and you might just get a pultice full of tumeric shoved down your throat...


but I mean that in the most sattvic way

Frustrations of a Pallav

August was my summer break and boy oh boy did I need it.  I think I've recovered...for the most part.  I managed to do quite a bit of de-cluttering.  I cleaned out my garage got it to the point where i could put my car inside, there's no room for anything else, but it's in there and office is about 80% cleaned out.  With all of the clearing out of thneeds I'm left to start thinking about clearing out the clutter in my mind.  My anxieties, doubts, second guesses, and most of all fears.

I'm not talking about fears of things that go bump in the night I'm talking about pure unadulterated fear of what am i doing or where am i going?   Am I being true to myself?  Honestly, I think for the most part I am but for the more part I definitely have work to do in this area.  I think the reason there is a stalemate is because I really, authentically, plain just don't know!  As I've mentioned before I know where I want to be I just don't know where or how to get there.  I feel like I'm grasping at thoughts and ideas and concepts just hoping that one of these will make the most sense and become the catalyst to my feeling like a worthy human being.  I honestly don't feel like I contribute anything of significance and fight to be heard on a regular basis.  Is this selfish?  Yes, probably.  I don't like feeling like this.  

I'm probably just being a whinny little snot but i need to get this out.  I feel unvalidated.  I feel that my thoughts and ideas and writings and anything else i do are not taken respectfully.  For years now, I write things or say things and they are quickly dismissed.  Am I crazy? Am I really that stupid that what i say or think or do is just dumb!?  I can understand it happening now and then but it seems it happens more and more.  For example, I was asked to head the blog of my school. I was connected with a person to work with and we had one meeting and every time after that i would try to connect with the person and there was no response.  It seems that every idea i had or thought I had about what it should be about were dismissed and at the end of the day the blog went live and I had no knowledge or input on it whatsoever.  This was not due to lack of my attempts to participate.  I was not included in these ideas and I am left with the thought of "what is my role here!?"

I'm on the verge of asking for a meeting with my teacher about it.  Part of me is thinking I really shouldn't involve her but another part of me is thinking well, dammit!  This Whimpy Pallav was given this awesome opportunity and she feels it's being usurped.

40

Oh, boy!  I'm turning the big 4 0 this year and honestly, 40 years ago, i don't think anyone would've thought this to be true.  I think most people would cringe at this and don't get me wrong, I'm still not 100% fuzzy bunny cozy with this but...

When I was born I almost...and should have died...the nurses who held me told my parents I was a fighter that they could hear it in my cries. I'm riddled with scars from surgeries that inevitably saved my life to prove it but as a young hoodlum saw them as sadistic tattoos i never asked for. 

Now as resembling something like an adult I'm finding that i want to really embrace these "tattoos" yet at the same time flip the universe the biggest, stinkiest, loudest bird ever all the while screaming at the top of my lungs....Dear, Universe...you lost (and in true Simpson style add a "ha ha")

When i was little, my mom would make me send Christmas cards to the doctor that saved me I never fully understood what this meant...until now. I'm not sure if he's still even alive, but if i could find his address, this year, I would send him a birthday card.