Week in Review

I had a really bad week two weeks ago which lead to that son-of-a-bitch severe anxiety and a small massive meltdown. It also lead me to slip from my new health regimen and oh boy did I feel it! Not just in my body but my thoughts and feelings too.  I found myself eating fast food (YUCK), not following my new morning routine, and feeling useless, worthless, irritable, and unsupported.  The good news out of this is I didn't rely on my "happy pills" to get me through.

My eating went from Kapha reducing, weight reducing, and jiva reducing recipes to those that fed my jiva even more with not exercising, eating foods that are just not good for people in general but for me especially are toxic in this season. I knew they were bad and I did them anyways.  My actions didn't come from a place of resentment or rebelling.  They came from a place of shear fear in all aspects of my life for my future.  It's easy to say not to worry about finances which would be wonderful if the mortgage, insurance, and utility companies felt the same way but unfortunately, if you can't pay, you don't get a house, car, or electricity.

There is a lot of emphasis on building self esteem in children, not to berate them or make them feel small but i think it's also important to do the same to adults.  Especially when their livelihood is in jeopardy.  Even with adults, hearing constant negative feedback can leave you feeling useless, redundant, incompetent, and leaves your soul feeling numb.  I'm not saying you have to constantly coddle but a "thank you" or "good job" every so often can make all the difference.  Lines of communication should not be staggered and criticism should be coming from a place of mutual respect and not anger or frustration.

I spent a good portion of this past week spring cleaning, meditating, and exploring my little island.   I spent some time contemplating on what transpired in the last few weeks and "tried" to decompress and regain my self confidence.  It's a lot easier to give the advice to just let it go but for me;  my self worth has been pulverized to the point I just don't know how to get it back.

After much meditation I find that I'm having to prove myself over and over and over and as long as I know that what I do is out of good intention and I put effort into everything I do I know I'm doing the best I can with the tools I'm given.  This still leaves me with feeling isolated and unsupported.  The clear answer is there and I know where I want to go I just need to figure out how to get there. 

While this Whimpy Pallav is setting her course here's a little ditty to help the time pass and a funny picture of how I'm usually woken up in the mornings (yes, they pile on top of me and sit there staring at me until I get up-notice how Lenore strategically places her tummy right near my ears so I can hear it grumbling).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQ_y-WQOU-Q&hd=1

P.S. anyone want to show me how to add videos without the link?

What keeps me awake at 2 a.m.

I allowed my Jiva to react to a situation where if clarity was expressed instead of a knee-jerk reaction born out of emotion the consequences of that interaction may perhaps have been fruitful instead of hurt feelings that were purely unintentional.  For that I am sorry.

It’s important to build a support system around you of perhaps not totally like-minded people but people, who, after careful vetting, you know will carry you, laugh with you, play with you, share life’s ups and downs with you, and have walked through the fire that you are walking now.  It is those same people in your support system that also are not afraid to hold a mirror in front of you and tell you like it really is.   It may be harsh, it may be down right uncalled for but it’s raw, real, and necessary.  Would you rather be surrounded by people who sugar coat everything and tip toe around catering to your every whim just to avoid you not seeing what is right in front of you?  Your support system provides understanding, realness, and most importantly unconditional love.  One cannot be responsible nor made to carry sins of others.  One cannot be faulted for another’s wrong doing.  One CAN take that action and make it into something that is not only beneficial for their own healing but with an open mind, heart, and arms, uses it as a learning tool.  The best revenge is one where you flip off the universe letting it know, you lost, I am not broken, I will not be broken nor will you make me feel inferior again.

It is also that same support that knows that change is often needed, change is uncomfortable and it’s supposed to be.  Change is growth, understanding one’s faults, owning those faults, and working towards a better quality of life.  You will get curve balls thrown at you and it’s life’s way of testing to see how well you react.  Do you just sit there and take it or do you get mad and do something about it!  Sitting around complaining that you don’t like something is or how things are going is not productive.  If you don’t like it, CHANGE IT, if you don’t know how, ASK, if you need help, ASK, if resources are limited, expand your search-get creative.  Waiting for others to wave their magic wand and hoping to make everything better is only making those old habits, thoughts, feelings, and actions fester.  There is nothing more humbling then realizing when you are depleted and need a gentle push in the right direction and there is nothing wrong with admitting when you are lost and need help.

            “Out of muddy waters comes the Lotus”-Shunyaji

My teacher said this in a lecture last week.  I understand this to mean, in order to blossom into a beautiful loving human being we have to go through a lot of crap. And believe you me, I've been through some raw, stinky, sticky crap and I don't even see the surface of the pond yet.   We, as humans, can only take responsibility for our own words, thoughts, feelings and actions as long as the intention is pure and unadulterated.  We, as humans, have a responsibility to ask when we don't understand those words, thoughts, feelings and actions of others.  We can be responsible how we react to others but cannot be responsible for how others react to us.  Misunderstandings are a fact of life.  It’s our duty to mindfully and humanely ask for clarity when something is not understood.  I bet you 99% of the time if you ASK someone what they meant by a thought, feeling, or action, you would get an answer.  It may not be an answer you agree with and that is where discourse can be exchanged but you at least have an answer and knee jerk reactions are avoided.  It’s those times that we don’t ask that our Jiva’s take this as an opportunity to run amuck and cause unnecessary angst.  It is your responsibility to reign in the Jiva in us and have it sit in the naughty corner while you embody gracefulness, tact, and humility.

This Whimpy Pallav’s Jiva has been redirected to the naughty corner indefinitely.

Scrub-a-dub-dub

I'm putting ground up chickpea with neem and two other things i can't pronounce on in the tub! 

Before you call the men in white jackets to take me away hear me out.  I'm learning a new way of life, a new healthier, energy boosting, self confidence establishing, and better outlook on life self. 

When you've been sick and tired of being sick and tired for as long as I have with no answers to be had and you are made to feel like you are just making everything up and to just accept that you will feel drained, be bloated, and overall depressed for the rest of your life only to find that one health modality that actually practices what they preach and don't discount your persistence that something is wrong with you only to have after two months of attending all but one class, gone to the retreats, gone to the Sunday afternoon lectures, learned the cooking recipes, chosen a nice cup of Chai or Spiced Milk over wine and you start to notice substantial TANGIBLE differences in your body, mind, and spirit there is nothing left to do but surrender to the process.

AAAAND BREATHE

So, with that said, my next lesson was on skin care.  There are two kinds oiling and scrubbing.  I tried both and I have to say I preferred the scrubbing over oiling.  Oiling consisted of rubbing warm sesame oil all over myself before showering and honestly, I felt like I was marinating myself.  I did not like it one bit!  It was slippery and the oil got EVERYWHERE.  Scrubbing however, consists of making a mixture of chick pea ground up with Neem and two other items mixed with either water or milk ( i used milk) and apply it like you would any scrub.  Yes, it looked yucky, yes, it stained my tub (but was easily cleaned up) and YES it was cold but after rubbing it all over I just washed it off and continued my shower as I normally would.

When I finished did my skin feel smoother than a babies butt!! I have very pale, sensitive, thin skin (I blame the Brits) and usually scrubs leave me with long red scratch marks all over me but I had no evidence of scrubbing what-so-ever.  It left a spring time fresh scent and my skin felt cool but not cold but a nice cooling tingling feeling.  Even the next day my skin feels rejuvenated, alive, and awake!  It is a long process so I won't be able to do this everyday but once a week should be just fine.

So i recommend you get your rubber duckies out and scrub scrub scrub!  This Whimpy Pallav has hers!

I'm Grounded!!!

This Whimpy Pallav is so excited and let me tell you why.

That no-nonsense, whimsical, boisterous, no holds barred, spitfire of a Romny is slowly emerging.  I'm so excited to see her.  I've missed her so much!!!!  She shows up in my thoughts, actions, and convictions.  She chair dances and doesn't care who sees her.  She has found her music again and at some point in the very near future she will be taking up the guitar again.  She used to play in Jr & High School but stopped for some undisclosed reason (cough cough).  There's a music store blocks from her home. She plans on contacting them within the next week or two (anyone up for he challenge of calling her on this?) but before she can she needs to get new strings.  Her sense of humor is undeniable. 

She feels lighter, healthier and happier than she has in years.  She's cut down on the wine consumption (GASP), don't fret, not completely but not as much.  She's gone down a size or two (depending on the manufacture) and her once dull short, split ended and easily breakable hair is going back to her long flowing locks shiny and new.  She's still got a ways to go but compared to 6 months ago, she's made great strides in getting her authentic self back. 

This is the most recent picture I could find of her getting her groove back and NO she's not trying out for Devo.

Kharma

I'm a firm believer in Kharma. It's a great thing to have when you have hit rock bottom and there is nowhere else to go but up yet at the same time it can be the straw that breaks the camels back. Kharma's been pretty good to me. I have a roof over my head, the car is fully paid off, I have managed to keep my job in this economic nightmare, the universe has given me back some amazing,smart,cracktastic friends, and besides a non existent love life, I've got it pretty good.

On my way to work this morning I stopped off at the friendly neighborhood bagel shop to get some breakfast. On the counter they had the usual "tip cup" placed strategically next to the cash register. On that cup they had a sign that read "Tips (GOOD KHARMA)" WTH! How is guilting someone into giving you a tip "GOOD KHARMA". Good Kharma for whom? Excluding your normal tipping etiquette, tips should be given without reservation and or expectation from the both parties. Things like tipping or helping a friend out or just doing random acts of kindness should not be done with hidden agendas. You should want to do them just because it's there. I have two words for those that expect Kharmic acts to be returned in kind that word is "bean counting". I did for you, now you do for me. That's not how Kharma works. You do because you want to not because you have to or feel that now you are owed something in return.

I realize now that my reaction to their sign was not helping me gain any more good Kharma but by not putting anything in the tip jar was that promoting bad Kharma? Personally, I don't think so. It's a catch 20 situation. There's a Buddhist saying "This too shall pass" like Kharma, this can be understood to not let things bother you that in the grand scheme of things, it's just a small piece to a bigger outcome. It can also be understood to mean don't take things for granted, it can and will be taken away at any moment.

A wise woman reminded me today that "How others treat you is their kharma... how you react is yours". As one of my New Year resolutions, this is one item that I'm going to work on.

Talulah

She was the runt of the litter. Small at birth, but lived large. Matriarch to the animal world for twenty- three years, she ruled with a look so icy that not even her human companions dared cross her path. When she entered the room, everyone and everything took notice. She endured multiple moves and multiple adventures, some resulting in the permanent loss of flesh. She only let few see her softer, more vulnerable side and for those who did it was not taken for granted.

She was the queen of the house and her throne was wherever she saw fit at that moment. Her favorite forms of exercise consisted of daily romps ridding the yard of moles, mice, lizards, and the occasional baby bird that fell out of the tree. She showed them no mercy and would bring them as offerings and leave them at the doorstep then hide in a near by bush and sway back and forth anticipating one of her plebes finding what she had worked so hard to vanquish and dream of the bowls of cream she would be rewarded with. When she could find no such offerings, she found pleasure in climbing up the screen doors only to be found clinging to them with her talons wrapped around the wires so tightly it sometimes took two human companions to free her. When that began to bore her she took glee in utilizing her vocal skills while perched upon the highest branch of the tree, she refused to come down until the eldest male human companion had gotten a ladder and started the ascent to come to her rescue, it was then she gracefully leapt from the branch to the nearby window only to turnaround displaying her Cheshireesque grin.

Her favorite indoor activity consisted of one of two things but always started out with a yawn and stretch leaving her youngest human companion’s bedside. She would wait until she heard the eldest female human walk towards the stairs then in frenzy; she would weave in and out of her legs hoping to trip her up. When that got old, she’d wait at the very bottom of the stairs, pressing herself so far down that you couldn’t see her if you were walking to the bottom step, then just at the last moment, would jump up and chuckle to herself as the human would proclaim profanities that would put a sailor to shame. This was her entertainment, her jest, how she amused herself.


At eighteen she ventured out on her own, much like her younger human companions did, and thought to have grown tired of her life and moved on to a higher plain only to be found two years later yowling under a neighbors car. Seems she over estimated her mortality and after a reminder of this, found herself weary, dazed, and confused and now living just two doors down from her beloved human family. When she was reunited with her human and animal companions the emotion was overwhelming. She stared at each one, and for one human companion in particular, she sat on her lap and wouldn’t leave basking in the awe of her loyalty. The reunion was bitter sweet. She was back with her family physically but emotionally she wasn’t. She had grown old, weary, and developed physical disabilities that only after a dog attack would be diagnosed as a virus. She, the queen of the domain feared and revered by all, was delegated to a corner of the bathroom where should she miss the litter box would not be a cumbersome chore to clean.

When she outlived the eldest male human companion, it was thought she wasn’t real. She sat outside his door; mourning in her own way, “Where are the batteries” was the first thing her eldest female human said. How could she outlive one of her human servants?! It was only then did her most loyal human servant see that twinge of her old Cheshire grin and as they carried him away, with a twitch of her tail, she left the room, head down, and mourning the loss of one of her own.

Two years passed and she finally conceded to the inevitable. Elderly, weak, feeble, and no longer able to resist the temptation of death she laid flat arms, legs, tail, and head extended as far as she could and breathed her last breath. She now lies under the Egyptian cat statue in the backyard next to the pond and to the right of the waterfall. A reminder of her former self, strong, confident, feared, and supreme ruler of her domain but most of all loved.

Her voice carried in a low yet powerful monotone that resembled the late Tallulah Bankhead. It was for these reasons we named her Talulah, minus the double “l” because, you know, a queen has to be unrivaled ;)

A Conversation on the Front Porch

When you were younger, did you ever think you’d be where you are?
Asked the young woman to the old woman
No, why think of things like this when you have all the time in the world

When you were younger, did you date many men?
Asked the young woman to the old woman
No, why date a lot when you have all the time in the world

When you were younger, did you want many children?
Asked the young woman to the old woman
No, why hurry and want children when you have all the time in the world

When you were younger, did you travel much?
Asked the young woman to the old woman
No, why travel now when you have all the time in the world

When you were younger, did you stand up for your convictions?
Asked the young woman to the old woman
No, why do that when you can sit quietly with all the time in the world

When you were younger, did you do anything you regret now?
Asked the young woman to the old woman
No, you don’t have regrets with all the time in the world

When you were younger, what did you want most when you got older?
Asked the young woman to the old woman
More time in the world