I'm Meditating!

I've started taking Mediation classes.  It's only been the fourth day but I'm slowly realizing that I've been doing mediation for a number of years and just didn't know it or know what or how to do it properly.  I'm learning a different kind of mediation from what I'm used to and by doing this type of mediation I'm am finally learning to let go of stress, anxieties and judgement of myself.  My hope is that by doing this 2 times a day for 20 minutes each I will learn to finally let go and be comfortable not just in my own skin but in life in general.  I've never felt comfortable with myself or with my life.  I've always felt like I'm missing some great universal great unknown understanding that was given out on a day I was sick and never got. 

I'm not much for verbal words and writing has always been easier for me to do.  Along with that I'm learning to listen more and not discount what positive people say about or to me.  It is easy to believe the negatives or untruths and when these untruths are more frequent than positive things it is much easier to believe the negative and your body, well, at least mine, can't compute when someone says something as simple as "I like your shirt". It's like my system does a hiccup and then tries to correct that hiccup but ends up tripping over itself.   I get taken back and the first thing that I want to say is "what do you want from me". For the most part when someone does compliment me they don't understand, then again how could they, that I'm not being rude when I don't automatically respond in kind.  It's something that is far and few between for me I stall; physically and mentally.  My gut reaction is to automatically go to a place of that they don't really mean it they are just saying it because they want something from me and they are not being authentic.   The truth is, someones ulterior motives or secondary gain is not my problem. Their actions are their own Karma and if the person is expressing a compliment under false pretenses that is for them to deal with.  I'd like to think that  everyone is innocent to begin with and until proven otherwise I need to re-direct my own anxieties and doubts away from them.  With that said, I'm often misunderstood for what I say, do or write.  90% of the time I say what I mean and mean what I say.  People don't seem to get that and I'm not quite sure how to express that without getting snarky or rude. 

With that said, sometimes my actions are grossly misunderstood and come across as something they are not.  For example, a few years ago, when I was working, I knew someone that was having a tough time with life and it wasn't getting any better.  At the time I was financially able to help this person out.  I'm more inclined to help someone out financially who is clearly in need but too humble to ask.  I lent the money without expectation of repayment.  A few weeks later during a conversation it came out that this person thought the only reason why I lent the money was for other reasons other than to just help someone out that was too proud to ask for it.  I have to say, I was hurt and disgusted that this person thought my reasons for helping were anything other than the fact that this person needed help and I was financially in the position to and didn't expect to be repaid.  I made the mistake of making my feelings known in a much more flavorful way but I wanted to get my point across that what was being implied was not o.k. with me and my gesture was nothing but HELP....pure unadulterated HELP.  Looking back I realize, it's not my job to explain myself to people.  If they want to think one way that's their decision.  What I could do is make it clear if the next time the opportunity arises, I'm unemployed now so it will be a while, but if it does, I'll be more clear of my intentions and any other motive is of their own interpretation. 

On my fourth day of this new Mediation, I'm starting to experience aches and pains a few hours after the session.  I'm not sure if that's just a residual effect or I just slept weird.  My last class is tonight so this is something I will address.  In the mean time, this whimpy Pallav will choose her words wisely and make my intentions clear with no or less room for self interpretation thus causing stress and uncomfortableness within myself.