I'm Meditating!

I've started taking Mediation classes.  It's only been the fourth day but I'm slowly realizing that I've been doing mediation for a number of years and just didn't know it or know what or how to do it properly.  I'm learning a different kind of mediation from what I'm used to and by doing this type of mediation I'm am finally learning to let go of stress, anxieties and judgement of myself.  My hope is that by doing this 2 times a day for 20 minutes each I will learn to finally let go and be comfortable not just in my own skin but in life in general.  I've never felt comfortable with myself or with my life.  I've always felt like I'm missing some great universal great unknown understanding that was given out on a day I was sick and never got. 

I'm not much for verbal words and writing has always been easier for me to do.  Along with that I'm learning to listen more and not discount what positive people say about or to me.  It is easy to believe the negatives or untruths and when these untruths are more frequent than positive things it is much easier to believe the negative and your body, well, at least mine, can't compute when someone says something as simple as "I like your shirt". It's like my system does a hiccup and then tries to correct that hiccup but ends up tripping over itself.   I get taken back and the first thing that I want to say is "what do you want from me". For the most part when someone does compliment me they don't understand, then again how could they, that I'm not being rude when I don't automatically respond in kind.  It's something that is far and few between for me I stall; physically and mentally.  My gut reaction is to automatically go to a place of that they don't really mean it they are just saying it because they want something from me and they are not being authentic.   The truth is, someones ulterior motives or secondary gain is not my problem. Their actions are their own Karma and if the person is expressing a compliment under false pretenses that is for them to deal with.  I'd like to think that  everyone is innocent to begin with and until proven otherwise I need to re-direct my own anxieties and doubts away from them.  With that said, I'm often misunderstood for what I say, do or write.  90% of the time I say what I mean and mean what I say.  People don't seem to get that and I'm not quite sure how to express that without getting snarky or rude. 

With that said, sometimes my actions are grossly misunderstood and come across as something they are not.  For example, a few years ago, when I was working, I knew someone that was having a tough time with life and it wasn't getting any better.  At the time I was financially able to help this person out.  I'm more inclined to help someone out financially who is clearly in need but too humble to ask.  I lent the money without expectation of repayment.  A few weeks later during a conversation it came out that this person thought the only reason why I lent the money was for other reasons other than to just help someone out that was too proud to ask for it.  I have to say, I was hurt and disgusted that this person thought my reasons for helping were anything other than the fact that this person needed help and I was financially in the position to and didn't expect to be repaid.  I made the mistake of making my feelings known in a much more flavorful way but I wanted to get my point across that what was being implied was not o.k. with me and my gesture was nothing but HELP....pure unadulterated HELP.  Looking back I realize, it's not my job to explain myself to people.  If they want to think one way that's their decision.  What I could do is make it clear if the next time the opportunity arises, I'm unemployed now so it will be a while, but if it does, I'll be more clear of my intentions and any other motive is of their own interpretation. 

On my fourth day of this new Mediation, I'm starting to experience aches and pains a few hours after the session.  I'm not sure if that's just a residual effect or I just slept weird.  My last class is tonight so this is something I will address.  In the mean time, this whimpy Pallav will choose her words wisely and make my intentions clear with no or less room for self interpretation thus causing stress and uncomfortableness within myself.

El Capitan

One afternoon, in my early pre-teen years,  fell asleep and when I awoke I had been transported to a place that was awesome, inspiring, and just mind blowing.  I remember my first word as I was groggy and just waking up from sleep as being "WHOA!!!!" That visit ignited something within me that to this day holds a flame and every time I revisit my heart skips a beat and I fall in love.

A few short years later I am presented with the opportunity to embrace that love affair and I did with enthusiasm. My formative teenage years were spent spending summers with my love of the land, air, space, water and fire.  I experienced what most teenage girls do, their first summer fling, first sense of independence and first taste of responsibility.  I spent 3 1/2 years in this space and in that time learned a lot about what I believe in and what nature can show me.  I also was confused.

My other seekers who have experienced that same unexplained awesomeness of the land felt that for some reason climbing to the tippy top of the highest granite mountain and becoming part of the "club"  was more important than the journey.  My fear of heights stopped me from joining this select few, or that's what I told myself at the time.  Realistically, I never felt the need to hike so far so high and so far wide to have the need to become part of the elite....

20 years later i find that I'm on my way to climbing a different mountain.  One that is full of more truth and more profoundness and one that could supersede the need be part of the elite.  For me, dear Palvaian readers,  I AM you. I AM learning what, where and when it means to become a soul that not only has a heart that skips a beat when they see natures grandeur offerings but to those in a more human form as well.  I AM slowly but surely and on my own terms climbing El Captian.

Solitude

I've been spending the last few weeks reviewing and studying and re-reading some of the more contemplative aspects of Ayurveda.  One concept that keeps coming back to me is that we as humans are alone and what relationships are and what they mean.  We are born alone, we die alone and if you really stop and think about it for the most part we spend our lives...alone.

Other than our family, teachers and community there are other kinds of relationships or interactions with others that we all cultivate during various times of our lives.  There are those who come into our life to teach us a hard lesson about ourselves and our beliefs and challenge just how far we are willing to stretch our boundaries, there are those that come and go and come back not just out of boredom but they just wander in and out and provide the short term friendship that you may need at that time. There is no hard feelings, no anger nor any resentment.  It is what it is. There are those that give the illusion of being your friend only to ignore or stab you in the back and then there are those that come into your life and never leave.  These are the people that you've known for years and no matter what happens or how much time has passed you just pick up the conversation where you last left off without missing a beat.  For me, these are the best relationships.  Sure, we find friendships and companionship's and have that need for that special someone but with all of this in mind when you are really tested the only person that you can 100% not be disappointed in is yourself.  It is YOU that makes decisions, it is YOU that makes those actions, it is YOU who has those thoughts and it is YOU who ultimately have to live with those decisions, actions and thoughts.

If anything, my dear Pallavian readers that I wish for you to take away from this post is that what I'm trying to say.  I'm not talking about sadness, loneliness, or desperation.  It's quite the opposite.  The message I would like to share with you that it is a blessing to understand that in the grand scheme of things we, as humans, are only have ourselves.  For those with children, yes, you have small ones to take care of and bring up into this world but I also know that after your children are of age you can set them free.  It is at this time your children need to know that ultimately, they are are responsible for their actions, thoughts, and behavior.

It saddens me when I see or hear of someone hurting and pining for support and approval from others. Don't get me wrong, that support is justified; everyone wants to feel heard but at the same time that support is fleeting.  In order to lead a life of peace realizing that it is only you that can provide the ultimate support.  This doesn't mean to close yourself off from the world and not accept help when offered.   But at the end of the day finding solace and comfort within ourselves is all we have.

Realize....

I recently returned from a Hypnotherapy conference.  I attend this conference every year and every year I come back more knowledgeable, more skilled and above all more confident.  This year I became aware that the need to spread the meaning Seva is imperative.  As I sat around a table with other colleagues talking about case studies and brainstorming, the topic of what someone charges for their services came up.  Some people charge exuberant amounts of money and when I asked what types of Seva they preform they looked at me blankly.  “Do you do any selfless service of some kind” I explained, and was answered looks of confusion.  Again, I asked "Do you offer any free classes, seminars, or consultations to the community?" and again I was answered with blank faces accompanied with "we need to make a living somehow".  My heart sunk.   

We are given the gift to heal people; people who most likely can’t afford traditional help and these colleagues didn’t take that into consideration?  I walked away with a heavy heart and scared for my profession.  The next morning my heaviness was still there but it was accompanied with a sense of renewal.  I’ve been shown that not everyone fully understands the power they hold.   By making the commitment too not only provide Seva within my Ayruvedic community but by educating my fellow Hypnotherapists of the concept of Seva will make their own practice that much more sweeter.  I’ve re-committed myself to what I’m studying and will be including these teachings to not only just my potential Hypnotherapy clients but my fellow Hypnotherapists as well. 

Chameleons

Are you aware of just how amazing and transformational our bodies, minds and souls are?  I've been embarking on a very personal journey not only to share my successes and failures but my hope is that you, my Pallavian readers, grow to understand just how much of an amazing powerful dynamic life we have.  With the exception of those serious cases it is sad that it has become the norm to have to be tied to synthetic prescriptions or have a disease.  For example, Western doctors are quick to dole out the antidepressant prescriptions without a lengthy examination or exploration of other avenues. I'm not discounting the disease, depression is real.  I know this.  I also know that the only ticket for entry of a prescription needed was to be asked one or two questions, the doctor never once looked me in the eye and slapped a prescription down faster than I could put my shoes back on.  The only thing missed was the doctor proclaiming "NEXT PATIENT!"

We have the power to change things about ourselves that we do not like and not just for vanity's sake but for the sake of our sanity.  Going through life feeling judged, put down, harassed and belittled by those who have yet to be granted the honor and blessings to learn what it truly means to be a human BEING is not a life, it's settling.  We willingly settle to accept these non truths about ourselves and it's not until we find a teacher who shows us that what we initially thought to be a snake was really just a rope.  There is a teacher in all of us.  Some show us our misguided behavior while others teach us patience and unconditional love. We fill ourselves with illusions of grandeur wanting needing having and yet ultimately wanting needing and having more only to never find ourselves satiated when in fact what we really need we had to begin with we just didn't see it.    

Fully acknowledging the challenges and imperfections of others and frankly not really caring if they have one arm or no legs or can't see, speak or hear can lead to a life of fulfillment simply by honoring and appreciating and recognizing that I am that.  Like increases like and when we feel passionate about something or someone we recognize parts of them or it that we have in ourselves. It's when we recognize those parts then all other imperfections become a non issue and vise versa.  When we see something in people that we can't stand it's more likely than not that we too have those same attributes that we don't like about ourselves. 

We set ourselves up for failure doing the same things over and over only to expect a different result.  It's not until we realize that we need to find a different way of doing things will the result be different.  We worry about what other people are thinking or saying about us when in fact who cares!?  As long as you live, eat and breathe YOUR truth no one can make you feel less than what you are and you Pallavian reader are THAT.

As a chameleon changes the color of their skin depending on the environment they are in; we can change our attitudes about ourselves, others and our circumstances.  It doesn't happen like some supernatural snap of the fingers or wiggle of the nose. It takes time, patience and most of all the wanting to change.  For this Whimpy Pallav settling isn't an option. 

Spring Cleaning

Spring has sprung and so has my digestion.  This year I decided to participate in a new type of Spring cleaning health regimen by going on an Amm Patchan diet.  This seven day diet consists of seven different kitcherie recipes all with different levels of intensity.  The purpose of this diet is not to purge and ream your body of waste but to clear any undigested food in your system that if not properly digested can manifest into harmful toxins or precursors to health issues down the road.   The reason why I went on this diet is because I figure if I am going to recommend a client go on it I should try it one time just so I will know what they are experiencing.

This is not a diet for the weak.  It's not painful in the way that it "cleans" you out like some diets but it IS difficult. I have considered nixing the diet several times a day but I know in the end I will have the satisfaction of knowing I've done it and my regular food will taste so much better!  Not to mention after comparing notes with some classmates on their experiences I've decided that some of them have it way worse than me so this Pallav is going to suck it up!

Day One:
Rice gruel...basically you overcook rice and use minimal spices.  This tastes like paste. I had to make it twice because the first batch was virtually in-edible.  Felt o.k. was hungry but not ravishing.

Day Two:
Rice and green dahl gruel.  A teeny tiny bit better still not great tasting but it filled me up and I knew it was nourishing.  Felt o.k. still was a little bit more hungry than the day before and had a dull headache.

Day Three:
Twice cooked rice & yellow dahl with asparagus.  I was excited to make this not only because I could add more spices adding to flavor but i like asparagus.   I like this recipe and thought to myself that I would add it to my repertoire of side dishes in regular meals.  Felt a little bit dazed and hungry still but I like this one so ate quite a bit of it.  Headache still but a bit more intense.

Day Four:
Twice cooked rice, yellow dahl, spinach and dandelion greens.  This was a step down from the previous days recipe.  I could eat a bowl and be o.k. but on this day my body was really reacting to the lack of regular foods.  I did feel a little bit lighter in my body but also dizzy, weak and by 9:00 p.m. i had a massive migraine.  Spent the night being sick from it.

Day Five:
Today is Friday, Friday normally means burrito day.  I'm sacrificing my burrito for better digestion.  I'm not happy about this so today's mantra is "2 more days". Still feeling a slight headache and not very hungry as a result from yesterday's migraine but I will give it the old college try.  Today is just plain kitcherie (rice, yellow dahl, spices and dum da dum....GHEEEEEEE!). Having Ghee almost makes up for not having the burrito....almost.

Day Six:
Consisted of rice gruel, dahl & cauliflower.....oh, and passing out from hunger in public.

As a result I needed to stop my regimen a day early.  Me passing out was not worth the eating regimen (or there lack of).  Do I feel better, a little to yes.  Would I do this again? NO.  Would I recommend it?  NO.  It was a good experiment not only to see if I could do it and how my body responded but as for a seven day cleanse for this Whimpy Pallav three days would suffice.

Six Month Review

Hi,

It's been a long time since I've posted.  Time for another employee review.   Six Months ago I chose to leave a job that kept me down, made me feel small, and slowly sucked any ounce of morale left in me to the point that I was left fighting for my health.  When your Western doctor says, in not so may words, that your job is causing considerable emotional stress that if you don't do something about it you will find yourself in serious harm then it's time to make some changes.  I can only account for my actions and lack of responsibility to rectify a situation that was slowly extracting my existence with a life size reamer and for that I can only explain that it was my Karma.  For actions of others that is their Karma and I hope that they may have reflected on their behavior and going forward remember we are all human and to provide the support and proper guidance that any human deserves.  I knew my health was in jeopardy a full year before making the departure.  I had been interviewing and applying for other positions and didn't leave my position without another job; however, the job that I did take proved that I had merely jumped out of the fire and into the frying pan and quickly remedied the situation by removing myself from what would've been another toxic work environment.

Am I angry?  Am I bitter?  Am I hellbent on revenge?  No. 

I'm sad and thankful.  I'm sad because I let myself get to this point.   I'm thankful because I let myself get to this point.  Learning and growing and studying under the guidance of teachers who I've been blessed to have in my life has given the opportunity to see a lifelong harmful pattern that I seem to think is my punishment to carry with me.  Being able to express discrimination and gauge what is my truth has become an intricate part of my own healing.  Why let someones poor actions effect me so much?  Why do I seem to think that I should not ask for help or guidance when clearly I'm in need of it?  These are questions I've been asking myself for the last six months.  What I've come up with so far is:

-We are responsible for our words and actions.  We are not responsible for others words or actions.

- Allowing someone to hurt you is a direct reflection of how you hurt yourself. Your own Karma is effected too.

-Forgive yourself before you forgive others.  But don't forget about their behavior and know that any further interaction will be the same.

-Be smart about your decisions and behavior.