Solitude

I've been spending the last few weeks reviewing and studying and re-reading some of the more contemplative aspects of Ayurveda.  One concept that keeps coming back to me is that we as humans are alone and what relationships are and what they mean.  We are born alone, we die alone and if you really stop and think about it for the most part we spend our lives...alone.

Other than our family, teachers and community there are other kinds of relationships or interactions with others that we all cultivate during various times of our lives.  There are those who come into our life to teach us a hard lesson about ourselves and our beliefs and challenge just how far we are willing to stretch our boundaries, there are those that come and go and come back not just out of boredom but they just wander in and out and provide the short term friendship that you may need at that time. There is no hard feelings, no anger nor any resentment.  It is what it is. There are those that give the illusion of being your friend only to ignore or stab you in the back and then there are those that come into your life and never leave.  These are the people that you've known for years and no matter what happens or how much time has passed you just pick up the conversation where you last left off without missing a beat.  For me, these are the best relationships.  Sure, we find friendships and companionship's and have that need for that special someone but with all of this in mind when you are really tested the only person that you can 100% not be disappointed in is yourself.  It is YOU that makes decisions, it is YOU that makes those actions, it is YOU who has those thoughts and it is YOU who ultimately have to live with those decisions, actions and thoughts.

If anything, my dear Pallavian readers that I wish for you to take away from this post is that what I'm trying to say.  I'm not talking about sadness, loneliness, or desperation.  It's quite the opposite.  The message I would like to share with you that it is a blessing to understand that in the grand scheme of things we, as humans, are only have ourselves.  For those with children, yes, you have small ones to take care of and bring up into this world but I also know that after your children are of age you can set them free.  It is at this time your children need to know that ultimately, they are are responsible for their actions, thoughts, and behavior.

It saddens me when I see or hear of someone hurting and pining for support and approval from others. Don't get me wrong, that support is justified; everyone wants to feel heard but at the same time that support is fleeting.  In order to lead a life of peace realizing that it is only you that can provide the ultimate support.  This doesn't mean to close yourself off from the world and not accept help when offered.   But at the end of the day finding solace and comfort within ourselves is all we have.

Realize....

I recently returned from a Hypnotherapy conference.  I attend this conference every year and every year I come back more knowledgeable, more skilled and above all more confident.  This year I became aware that the need to spread the meaning Seva is imperative.  As I sat around a table with other colleagues talking about case studies and brainstorming, the topic of what someone charges for their services came up.  Some people charge exuberant amounts of money and when I asked what types of Seva they preform they looked at me blankly.  “Do you do any selfless service of some kind” I explained, and was answered looks of confusion.  Again, I asked "Do you offer any free classes, seminars, or consultations to the community?" and again I was answered with blank faces accompanied with "we need to make a living somehow".  My heart sunk.   

We are given the gift to heal people; people who most likely can’t afford traditional help and these colleagues didn’t take that into consideration?  I walked away with a heavy heart and scared for my profession.  The next morning my heaviness was still there but it was accompanied with a sense of renewal.  I’ve been shown that not everyone fully understands the power they hold.   By making the commitment too not only provide Seva within my Ayruvedic community but by educating my fellow Hypnotherapists of the concept of Seva will make their own practice that much more sweeter.  I’ve re-committed myself to what I’m studying and will be including these teachings to not only just my potential Hypnotherapy clients but my fellow Hypnotherapists as well. 

Chameleons

Are you aware of just how amazing and transformational our bodies, minds and souls are?  I've been embarking on a very personal journey not only to share my successes and failures but my hope is that you, my Pallavian readers, grow to understand just how much of an amazing powerful dynamic life we have.  With the exception of those serious cases it is sad that it has become the norm to have to be tied to synthetic prescriptions or have a disease.  For example, Western doctors are quick to dole out the antidepressant prescriptions without a lengthy examination or exploration of other avenues. I'm not discounting the disease, depression is real.  I know this.  I also know that the only ticket for entry of a prescription needed was to be asked one or two questions, the doctor never once looked me in the eye and slapped a prescription down faster than I could put my shoes back on.  The only thing missed was the doctor proclaiming "NEXT PATIENT!"

We have the power to change things about ourselves that we do not like and not just for vanity's sake but for the sake of our sanity.  Going through life feeling judged, put down, harassed and belittled by those who have yet to be granted the honor and blessings to learn what it truly means to be a human BEING is not a life, it's settling.  We willingly settle to accept these non truths about ourselves and it's not until we find a teacher who shows us that what we initially thought to be a snake was really just a rope.  There is a teacher in all of us.  Some show us our misguided behavior while others teach us patience and unconditional love. We fill ourselves with illusions of grandeur wanting needing having and yet ultimately wanting needing and having more only to never find ourselves satiated when in fact what we really need we had to begin with we just didn't see it.    

Fully acknowledging the challenges and imperfections of others and frankly not really caring if they have one arm or no legs or can't see, speak or hear can lead to a life of fulfillment simply by honoring and appreciating and recognizing that I am that.  Like increases like and when we feel passionate about something or someone we recognize parts of them or it that we have in ourselves. It's when we recognize those parts then all other imperfections become a non issue and vise versa.  When we see something in people that we can't stand it's more likely than not that we too have those same attributes that we don't like about ourselves. 

We set ourselves up for failure doing the same things over and over only to expect a different result.  It's not until we realize that we need to find a different way of doing things will the result be different.  We worry about what other people are thinking or saying about us when in fact who cares!?  As long as you live, eat and breathe YOUR truth no one can make you feel less than what you are and you Pallavian reader are THAT.

As a chameleon changes the color of their skin depending on the environment they are in; we can change our attitudes about ourselves, others and our circumstances.  It doesn't happen like some supernatural snap of the fingers or wiggle of the nose. It takes time, patience and most of all the wanting to change.  For this Whimpy Pallav settling isn't an option. 

Spring Cleaning

Spring has sprung and so has my digestion.  This year I decided to participate in a new type of Spring cleaning health regimen by going on an Amm Patchan diet.  This seven day diet consists of seven different kitcherie recipes all with different levels of intensity.  The purpose of this diet is not to purge and ream your body of waste but to clear any undigested food in your system that if not properly digested can manifest into harmful toxins or precursors to health issues down the road.   The reason why I went on this diet is because I figure if I am going to recommend a client go on it I should try it one time just so I will know what they are experiencing.

This is not a diet for the weak.  It's not painful in the way that it "cleans" you out like some diets but it IS difficult. I have considered nixing the diet several times a day but I know in the end I will have the satisfaction of knowing I've done it and my regular food will taste so much better!  Not to mention after comparing notes with some classmates on their experiences I've decided that some of them have it way worse than me so this Pallav is going to suck it up!

Day One:
Rice gruel...basically you overcook rice and use minimal spices.  This tastes like paste. I had to make it twice because the first batch was virtually in-edible.  Felt o.k. was hungry but not ravishing.

Day Two:
Rice and green dahl gruel.  A teeny tiny bit better still not great tasting but it filled me up and I knew it was nourishing.  Felt o.k. still was a little bit more hungry than the day before and had a dull headache.

Day Three:
Twice cooked rice & yellow dahl with asparagus.  I was excited to make this not only because I could add more spices adding to flavor but i like asparagus.   I like this recipe and thought to myself that I would add it to my repertoire of side dishes in regular meals.  Felt a little bit dazed and hungry still but I like this one so ate quite a bit of it.  Headache still but a bit more intense.

Day Four:
Twice cooked rice, yellow dahl, spinach and dandelion greens.  This was a step down from the previous days recipe.  I could eat a bowl and be o.k. but on this day my body was really reacting to the lack of regular foods.  I did feel a little bit lighter in my body but also dizzy, weak and by 9:00 p.m. i had a massive migraine.  Spent the night being sick from it.

Day Five:
Today is Friday, Friday normally means burrito day.  I'm sacrificing my burrito for better digestion.  I'm not happy about this so today's mantra is "2 more days". Still feeling a slight headache and not very hungry as a result from yesterday's migraine but I will give it the old college try.  Today is just plain kitcherie (rice, yellow dahl, spices and dum da dum....GHEEEEEEE!). Having Ghee almost makes up for not having the burrito....almost.

Day Six:
Consisted of rice gruel, dahl & cauliflower.....oh, and passing out from hunger in public.

As a result I needed to stop my regimen a day early.  Me passing out was not worth the eating regimen (or there lack of).  Do I feel better, a little to yes.  Would I do this again? NO.  Would I recommend it?  NO.  It was a good experiment not only to see if I could do it and how my body responded but as for a seven day cleanse for this Whimpy Pallav three days would suffice.

Six Month Review

Hi,

It's been a long time since I've posted.  Time for another employee review.   Six Months ago I chose to leave a job that kept me down, made me feel small, and slowly sucked any ounce of morale left in me to the point that I was left fighting for my health.  When your Western doctor says, in not so may words, that your job is causing considerable emotional stress that if you don't do something about it you will find yourself in serious harm then it's time to make some changes.  I can only account for my actions and lack of responsibility to rectify a situation that was slowly extracting my existence with a life size reamer and for that I can only explain that it was my Karma.  For actions of others that is their Karma and I hope that they may have reflected on their behavior and going forward remember we are all human and to provide the support and proper guidance that any human deserves.  I knew my health was in jeopardy a full year before making the departure.  I had been interviewing and applying for other positions and didn't leave my position without another job; however, the job that I did take proved that I had merely jumped out of the fire and into the frying pan and quickly remedied the situation by removing myself from what would've been another toxic work environment.

Am I angry?  Am I bitter?  Am I hellbent on revenge?  No. 

I'm sad and thankful.  I'm sad because I let myself get to this point.   I'm thankful because I let myself get to this point.  Learning and growing and studying under the guidance of teachers who I've been blessed to have in my life has given the opportunity to see a lifelong harmful pattern that I seem to think is my punishment to carry with me.  Being able to express discrimination and gauge what is my truth has become an intricate part of my own healing.  Why let someones poor actions effect me so much?  Why do I seem to think that I should not ask for help or guidance when clearly I'm in need of it?  These are questions I've been asking myself for the last six months.  What I've come up with so far is:

-We are responsible for our words and actions.  We are not responsible for others words or actions.

- Allowing someone to hurt you is a direct reflection of how you hurt yourself. Your own Karma is effected too.

-Forgive yourself before you forgive others.  But don't forget about their behavior and know that any further interaction will be the same.

-Be smart about your decisions and behavior. 

Fingernails

I lived on the East Coast for most of my childhood and would frequent the Washington DC area.  We would usually take the train in and would snicker to myself every time we would encroach "Foggy Bottom".  We spent many hours at the Smithsonian and the usual haunts but one particular outing included a trip to the White House during Christmas time.  I was a small six year old and usually needed help to see things in large crowds (somethings never change).

On this particular day it was just my mom and I and it was the lighting of the Christmas tree. We were about ten rows back and I could just barely make out First Lady Rosalynn Carter through the curtain of people in front of us.  I remember telling my mom that I couldn't see very well but there was really nothing she could do about it.  Then it happened......

Out of nowhere this alabaster hand bejeweled with blood red talons reaches in, grabs my arm, pulls me away and shoves me in the front of the crowd.  The next 10 min is a bit of blur because i just stood there crammed in with a bunch of other kids thinking to myself "WTF just happened!?"  After the pictures were taken, speeches made, and all other plesantries were over everyone dispersed and when i found my mom a massive meltdown ensued.  I remember crying my eyeballs out!  It wasn't until later was it explained to me that they wanted more children in the front of the crowd and without even asking my mom some White House intern just grabbed me and stuck me in the front.  I guess looking back I should be grateful that I was given this opportunity but as a plucky six year old this just translated to be a very scary experience. 

Why am I telling you this? No particular reason.  Do I need a reason?

Fraud

I've been slacking on the writing thing...there's no excuse just being lazy but sitting here trying to figure out what to write about and read and re-reading some of my older posts and one thing kept popping up "Romny, you are a fraud".  Countless times I've written how I am going to start putting myself out there and how I'm going to change my sad sack of a life but to tell the truth, I've been saying this for over 3 years now and frankly, nothing except for my waist size has changed (and not for the better).

It's no secret that reading, reflecting and thinking are things that I love to do but these are done too much.  When situations call for it I do step up and try to make an effort and participate.  When in a work situation or a small group (3-4 people) I'm a rock star but put me in a roomful of people that I don't know and I shrivel up and become the awkward wallflower social nightmare.  Which leads me to believe that my natural state of being is one of solitude, reflection, quiet, and peace. 

There's a saying that I love to use..."Shit or get off the pot" I hate it when people who I have known for some time bitch and moan about the same problems but yet show no willingness to do anything about their situation.  I'm afraid, readers of this Pallavian, I'm one of these people too.  Even I'm sick and tired of hearing my own voice piss and moan about how fat I am, how lonely I am, how I'm gonna make things different.  My inner counselor is telling me "shit or get off the pot!".

For me, the key word is "accountability".  There is no one that I need to be accountable for or too, oh, no, wait, the healthy person would say "I need to be accountable to myself".  Thank you, Joe Goodie Two Shoes, don't you think I already know that!?  Right before school let out I got busted again.  My doctor asked me how much of a spiritual person am I.  My initial response was I don't belong to an organized religion which was quickly corrected that that's not what the question was.  What she was asking was what do I do for my soul that grounds me.    For a long time I have been avoiding the elephant in the room; that is and I'm not looking for pity here, but I've always felt like the "oh by the way" the "oops we forgot about" the "oh, yeah, didn't even think about you".  I'm invisible and for the most part I would be o.k. with that but physician heal thyself....I need to shake this feeling of worthlessness because frankly, I'm starting to fade and fear eventually I will just disappear and for that reason I do start to light lamps or chant but only for a short time.  I have no ability to keep it up.

I took the last two months of 2012 off and intended to use that time to get things done that I have had to put on the back burner due to work and school.  For that entire time (with the exception of the last two weeks) I was the lucky recipient of a bronchial infection that would cause me to spew up things that frankly horrified me.  I lost my insurance but schlepped myself to the doctors anyway who in turn gave me inhalers that for the most 98.9% have worked!  I've still got some coughing but I don't sound like a smokers cough infused with the sound of the last drops of a milk shake being sucked out of a straw.

So what AM I doing?  I was recommended a book that took me a very long time to get "Happiness Unfolded: Self Unfoldment in an Interactive World" by Swami Bodhananda.  I've started reading and am pleased that I already know some of the concepts that he discusses as we discuss them in class.  My intention is to complete the book and use these tools flawlessly so that this fraud can get a backbone.