Frustrations of a Pallav

August was my summer break and boy oh boy did I need it.  I think I've recovered...for the most part.  I managed to do quite a bit of de-cluttering.  I cleaned out my garage got it to the point where i could put my car inside, there's no room for anything else, but it's in there and office is about 80% cleaned out.  With all of the clearing out of thneeds I'm left to start thinking about clearing out the clutter in my mind.  My anxieties, doubts, second guesses, and most of all fears.

I'm not talking about fears of things that go bump in the night I'm talking about pure unadulterated fear of what am i doing or where am i going?   Am I being true to myself?  Honestly, I think for the most part I am but for the more part I definitely have work to do in this area.  I think the reason there is a stalemate is because I really, authentically, plain just don't know!  As I've mentioned before I know where I want to be I just don't know where or how to get there.  I feel like I'm grasping at thoughts and ideas and concepts just hoping that one of these will make the most sense and become the catalyst to my feeling like a worthy human being.  I honestly don't feel like I contribute anything of significance and fight to be heard on a regular basis.  Is this selfish?  Yes, probably.  I don't like feeling like this.  

I'm probably just being a whinny little snot but i need to get this out.  I feel unvalidated.  I feel that my thoughts and ideas and writings and anything else i do are not taken respectfully.  For years now, I write things or say things and they are quickly dismissed.  Am I crazy? Am I really that stupid that what i say or think or do is just dumb!?  I can understand it happening now and then but it seems it happens more and more.  For example, I was asked to head the blog of my school. I was connected with a person to work with and we had one meeting and every time after that i would try to connect with the person and there was no response.  It seems that every idea i had or thought I had about what it should be about were dismissed and at the end of the day the blog went live and I had no knowledge or input on it whatsoever.  This was not due to lack of my attempts to participate.  I was not included in these ideas and I am left with the thought of "what is my role here!?"

I'm on the verge of asking for a meeting with my teacher about it.  Part of me is thinking I really shouldn't involve her but another part of me is thinking well, dammit!  This Whimpy Pallav was given this awesome opportunity and she feels it's being usurped.

40

Oh, boy!  I'm turning the big 4 0 this year and honestly, 40 years ago, i don't think anyone would've thought this to be true.  I think most people would cringe at this and don't get me wrong, I'm still not 100% fuzzy bunny cozy with this but...

When I was born I almost...and should have died...the nurses who held me told my parents I was a fighter that they could hear it in my cries. I'm riddled with scars from surgeries that inevitably saved my life to prove it but as a young hoodlum saw them as sadistic tattoos i never asked for. 

Now as resembling something like an adult I'm finding that i want to really embrace these "tattoos" yet at the same time flip the universe the biggest, stinkiest, loudest bird ever all the while screaming at the top of my lungs....Dear, Universe...you lost (and in true Simpson style add a "ha ha")

When i was little, my mom would make me send Christmas cards to the doctor that saved me I never fully understood what this meant...until now. I'm not sure if he's still even alive, but if i could find his address, this year, I would send him a birthday card.

A little Freeing

It's no secret I've been working on my physical and mental health.  It's no secret I'm trying to be a happier more compassionate person.  It's also no secret that in order for me to do this I need to have a certain amount of discrimination on who, what and where I share my journey. With all of this in mind and within the last few days I have had a much more clear sense of what is important to me and what really I could AND SHOULD care less about.  It's not that I don't care at all....it's just not something that I would stop, drop, and roll to give attention to.  I'm finding more and more that my voice is getting lost in the minutia of policies, procedures, corporate lingo, and corporate expectations. I have found my throat is more tightened and soar with trying to be heard and get my point across. Speaking should not be that difficult. Walking away not feeling more frustrated then you did before you entered the room is not beneficial to my health.  I'm left to feel like that little Petunia in an Onion Patch.  Imogen Heap sings a very haunting rendition of the song but only a portion of the song.

This Whimpy Pallav has heard the universe and knows where i need to go.....I'm still needing some direction on what i need to do to get there. I'm doing the best I can but financially, i need a little help, Do i need to put out an S.O.S distress call on a beach using old driftwood to have the answer come to me?  I'll mediate this on a bit more.....

Derp

If Jiva had a poster child….here’s what it would look like:

Milo is one giant, furry, four footed hairball of a Jiva.  He can’t stay in one place for more than a second, he’s always getting himself into pickles.  I’m constantly saying “Milo NO” and he tries to subject his big sister in all of his shinannigans. He just can’t sit and rest for more than 5 min and he’s always peeking around corners to make sure he’s not missing anything fun.  Whenever I walk past him he swats me with his paw.  One time he smacked me in the bum! 

I’m telling you this because my own Jiva is running rampant and I needed to show a visual as to what I think my jiva might look like.  I can’t seem to get organized, I can’t finish projects, I’m always looking over to see what’s going on where and who is doing what. I can’t just focus on what I need to be doing.  I’m feeling scattered and overwhelmed with everything that I have to do.  I keep telling myself…o.k. when I get time I’ll finish X, when I get time I’ll start X, when I get time I’ll have more time.  X comes and X goes and I’m still stuck in the same spot I was 3 months ago and I’m still struggling to find the time.  Honestly, I really don’t know how some people do it.  Some people do have help of a partner and that’s great.  It’s twice as hard when you are on your own.  There’s no one to piggy back house hold chores, do the grocery shopping, make sure the garbage is out on the curb and putting them back in.  

My new regimen requires me to go to bed at 10 p.m. these days it’s just not possible.  I did cut down by dropping one class but this still leaves me with little time to do anything productive.  The demands put upon me are becoming more and more taxing.  How much do I have to give up before I completely end up in the nut house?  With the exception of an occasional get together with some old camp friends, I have no social life.  Who has the time!?  I find my day starts at 5:30 and doesn’t stop until I’m finished….IF I finish. Sometimes I just throw in the towel at 2 a.m. and surrender to the siren songs of my pillow. 

I keep thinking, if I could just have one afternoon to rest and collect myself I’ll be o.k. but that one afternoon never comes or if it does come, it’s fleeting.  Seems there is always some demand put upon me. In order to save my sanity I’m really going to have to start saying no.    So, in an effort  to settle my own little green hatted Jiva this Whimpy Pallav will not be readily available.  Please do not take this as a snub.  I-just-don’t-have-the-bandwidth.  At least not right now and if you are really paying attention you would know, this entire post was my Jiva poking, prodding and sniffing just to cause chaos and mayhem.  Much like my little furry friend, my Jiva is out of control.  As cute, cuddly, and full of love that he is my jiva is usurping my energy…This Whimpy Pallav has become her very own time bandit..

The Reminder

There’s always that one moment where two people connect.  Not just for a superficial reason but for a deep, spiritual, emotional, understanding that they connect.  No words need to be exchanged.  It could be a glance, a stance, or just an unspoken knowing.  This is a gift that doesn’t come around very often and when it does, it should be embraced and not taken for granted.

For me this experience happened when I went to pick up the ashes of my six month old kitten.   I picked up Twist and behind me was a lady who I overheard telling the receptionist that she too was there to pick up her recently departed pet.  I walked out of the vet and she soon followed suit.  She was parked right next to me and in that one moment we both had a glance of understanding.  Our beloved pets were reduced to ashes in a box and sitting in the front seat of both our cars.  I got out of my car and went around to her car and we both just hugged each other and had a little cry. 

It was a beautiful rationalization of human perceptive and compassion.  In that one moment we didn’t need to explain ourselves, we were strangers, and yet we were feeling, thinking, and acting on the same thing.  Two strangers for just that one split second in our lives knew that instinctively, just a hug was all we needed at that time.

Sure we both went home and buried our sorrow but after picking up our pets the wound was just as fresh as the instant the doctor said “I’m sorry”.  That one moment is so surreal that it will forever remind me that human compassion is the most underappreciated and misunderstood emotion.  It also taught me, to follow my heart, when it’s obvious that someone is in pain, all they need is a hug, kind word, or just someone to stop and listen to what they have to say.  We are all so busy in our own little lives that our blinders have been infused to our heads that recognizing someone’s pain and need for human compassion is often ignored. 

Calling All Seekers

In today’s world there’s the belief that faster is always better.  It has become the mainstream focus for survival. The more you can cram into 24 hours means the more time you have to do everything you want to do and instant gratification is the way to go.  Is it?  This thought, no matter how productive it may or may not be, leaves one to believe that this ideal of faster is better is leading our world into chaos and the disassociation of what is natural.  Is faster really better? And if it’s true, HOW much better?  Are we really nurturing our bodies as nature intended? Who are we benefitting? 

The world, as it is now and moving forward, has set the natural balance of our thoughts, what we nourish our bodies with and our lifestyle to the wayside. It is this belief of faster is better that leaves Ayurveda to gently yet firmly fight for what the truth really is.  This truth has stood the test of time and will continue to stand when the world falls to it’s knees struggling to answer the question of “what is right?”   The world is changing and there is such emphasis on the belief that you’d better change with it before you are left behind.  Is the idea that it is best to make changes before changes are made for you and if so, are these changes a benefit to the world?

This doesn’t have to be so.  Getting back to what is natural in our thoughts, our actions, what we consume, and sharing this knowledge is a challenging yet doable feat.  One little drop can lead to a ring of ripples.  Studying, encompassing, and sharing this knowledge with pure conviction even at a local level is putting out to the universe that Ayurveda is here and it’s strong, and it’s willing to share the knowledge to anyone who wants to make a change not only in themselves but on a global level.  How we treat ourselves and our fellow human beings while honoring the tradition of Ayurveda through our own actions and beliefs will benefit Ayurveda to the extent that although it may not be widely or universally recognized YET much as the more popular modality of healing a.k.a “the quick fix” option may be, it has a quiet presence that only those who want to know the truth will hear.  We may see and hear what is around us but are we truly looking and hearing and understanding what nature has been trying to say?

With this thought that faster is better the walls will be torn and people will start to see that this notion of instant gratification isn’t always true.  Going back to the grass roots of our thoughts, our diet, and our behavior of human kind will leave Ayurveda at the forefront of humanity.

No matter if you were born and raised in the world of Ayurveda or discovering it for the first time this tearing down the wall starts with you and me.  It starts in our actions, our thoughts, and our words.  Following a concoction of the appropriate diet not just for the season but balances all three doshas, quieting the mind to where you crave the company of a higher being, and showing unconditional love and compassion for those we share this planet with as well as a dash of selfless service to those who need it can, in a small way, make the world a little bit better and the positive energy you put out will be felt thought-out all that you encounter.

Voice

Working in publishing I know it's important to get the information out there that is clear yet doesn't take away from the authors voice.  HOW the author sounds is just as important as WHAT the author says.  As a novice writer myself i find it frustrating when you work hard on a piece and someone comes along and wants you to spin it on what their perception of what you are trying to say and asks you to change your voice.  That is a HUGE no no in my book.

With that said...not only am I working towards becoming a Certified Health Coach specializing in Ayruvedic Medicine but I am working towards becoming a Certified HypnoLife Coach.  My mentor is fabulous!  She's been so patient with me and I'm slowly making progress.  I'm learning on what key issues to hone in on and what questions to ask but I also find I get a little frustrated.  Being the novice writer I have a tendency to use words that not everyone may use.  I am a very introverted person and spend waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time over thinking ideas and concepts and along with that comes the inability to get words out vocally.  On paper I have no trouble.  But when I'm expected to vocalize what it is I'm trying to say I stumble. I notice that when I try to speak of something particularly painful to talk about my throat closes up and I have a hard time getting the words out.  For so long I have just been keeping my mouth shut about my thoughts I don't know any other way than to write to express my thoughts.  Often more times than not I find I'm easily ignored and insignificant.   But there is good news in this area...I've been inhaling using aroma therapy oils more specifically one that opens up my throat chakra.  This has been helping me get my words out without that horrible habit of studdering to rear it's ugly head.

This Whimpy Pallav's voice has been burried for far too long...well, no, I don't think it was ever found.  She's still working on finding it.