The Nine Pound Bully

It saddens me that someone feels so low so beaten so emotionally scarred that in order to survive feels that making another human being feel just as low, beaten or emotionally scarred will aid in their own healing.  Well, it doesn't.  You just look like a fool.  As a former recipient of those aforementioned bullies when I see another human or animal being bullied it effects me to the core. From the tender age of 10 to just out of high school I was bullied and I didn't really do anything wrong, people just felt that it was o.k. to treat me that way.  In high school I even contemplated moving to another county because i was un happy and dreaded going.  I remember one particular phone call i received it was just before graduation and somehow this person got my phone number.  I never talked to this person we had a few classes but i never really associated with her. She said she was calling to invite me to a school wide party and everyone would be there...i could hear laughter and snickering and one nasty comment about me in the background where upon I respectfully declined. What happened to this person that was so horrible that they had to be that mean spirited?  Another incident was at a school function where we had to pick teams. I remember one boy in particular looked at me and said "Eww" ; ummm excuse me, you don't even know me!   Yes, High School was not fun for me.  I left town the day I graduated and never looked back.  Why?  Because of the daily targeting for bullies.

This morning i came to the realization that there is a bully in my midst.  As I was getting out of bed and ready to start my day I am usually greeted by my sweet Lenore.  She usually sits quietly next to me or she was conducts her famous "drive bys".  She likes to start at the window, jump down from her perch, walk around the bed to the other side, jump on the bed and walk right across my chest back to the window. She does this five or six times until eventually I do get up to get her morning snackie cake. 

This morning Lenore was doing her morning rounds and in between she would sit quietly on the bedside table and wait.  She was minding her own business when her younger brother sprung out of nowhere and attacked her.  This wasn't your usual kitty playtime attack this was the act of a bully!  She jumped off the bed and started to walk out whereupon I heard a yowl and when i looked over Lenore was on the ground in defensive mode and Milo was standing over her.  It was clear Lenore wanted to be left alone yet Milo kept egging her on. 

I will not have this behavior in my house.  Milo was given a time out and Lenore was able to get her bearings.  After about 5 min in timeout Milo was given his breakfast.  I don't condone bullying.  It's hurtful, un necessary and brutal.  People are losing their loved ones because someone else cannot be civilized and feel that making someone else feel low and unimportant will somehow boost themselves up.  If bullying boosted your self esteem so much so that everyone is your friend and you are well liked then why are there only a few cowards that do it?

This is something that really shakes me to a core. This Whimpy Pallav will not stand for bullying especially in her own home and certainly not by members of her family (furry or otherwise).

Cancer

To offset the fact that i have no social life, probably never will, I have decided to delve myself even deeper into the knowledge of healing the mind, body and soul.  With this I attended a one day lecture on Ayruvedic practices and cancer prevention.  Having a father, grandfather, and stepfather all diagnosed with some form of cancer; the disease is not a new term or concept for me and i refuse to succumb to the assumption that I'm also a high risk candidate.  I'm really glad I went to this lecture.  Some of what was discussed was not new material for me, some was, and some, I was surprisingly and gratefully reassured that without my knowing I was already on the road to a cancer free life.

According to Ayruvedic principles the #1 cause for cancer is stress.  Living in a society of the gotta have it nows, my toy is bigger, badder, and has more trinkets as well as one belief being that success is defined by how much money you have can be taxing on one and interfere with what is more of a Sattvic lifestyle.

There was a lot shared but here are just a few take aways:

-In the sea of life Ayruveda shows us how to keep our heads above the waves and stay with the current by adjusting our thoughts, eating and physical being....in other words, the instructor prescribed us with a healthy dose of "Just keep swimming" (reminds me of a certain absent minded blue fish)

-Practicing yoga or meditation 45 min before you start your day and 45 min before you go to bed not only grounds you for the day but settles your monkey mind for a restful sleep

-Eating more seasonally appropriate foods and preferably vegetarian (but who am I kidding, I love a good steak now and then) accompanied with garnishes such as cilantro, methi (which is sanskrit for Fenugreek), and chutneys help digest your meal and clears out the pallet.

-With food Spices such as garlic, tumeric, cumin, asafetida (but just a pinch this stuff is potent!), Onion, cardamom, coriander and ginger all help in their own special way.

-Drinking warm water or herbal teas (green tea in particular) are good substitutes for the thirst. 

-Some after food spices are things like fennel, nutmeg, cinnamon and ginger.  You can also use some of the same spices noted for putting into your meal.

This Whimpy Pallav walked way with some nuggets of wisdom and a new regimen to her diet and lifestyle.  You better watch out because i will be carrying a supply of Cancer arsenal and you might just get a pultice full of tumeric shoved down your throat...


but I mean that in the most sattvic way

Frustrations of a Pallav

August was my summer break and boy oh boy did I need it.  I think I've recovered...for the most part.  I managed to do quite a bit of de-cluttering.  I cleaned out my garage got it to the point where i could put my car inside, there's no room for anything else, but it's in there and office is about 80% cleaned out.  With all of the clearing out of thneeds I'm left to start thinking about clearing out the clutter in my mind.  My anxieties, doubts, second guesses, and most of all fears.

I'm not talking about fears of things that go bump in the night I'm talking about pure unadulterated fear of what am i doing or where am i going?   Am I being true to myself?  Honestly, I think for the most part I am but for the more part I definitely have work to do in this area.  I think the reason there is a stalemate is because I really, authentically, plain just don't know!  As I've mentioned before I know where I want to be I just don't know where or how to get there.  I feel like I'm grasping at thoughts and ideas and concepts just hoping that one of these will make the most sense and become the catalyst to my feeling like a worthy human being.  I honestly don't feel like I contribute anything of significance and fight to be heard on a regular basis.  Is this selfish?  Yes, probably.  I don't like feeling like this.  

I'm probably just being a whinny little snot but i need to get this out.  I feel unvalidated.  I feel that my thoughts and ideas and writings and anything else i do are not taken respectfully.  For years now, I write things or say things and they are quickly dismissed.  Am I crazy? Am I really that stupid that what i say or think or do is just dumb!?  I can understand it happening now and then but it seems it happens more and more.  For example, I was asked to head the blog of my school. I was connected with a person to work with and we had one meeting and every time after that i would try to connect with the person and there was no response.  It seems that every idea i had or thought I had about what it should be about were dismissed and at the end of the day the blog went live and I had no knowledge or input on it whatsoever.  This was not due to lack of my attempts to participate.  I was not included in these ideas and I am left with the thought of "what is my role here!?"

I'm on the verge of asking for a meeting with my teacher about it.  Part of me is thinking I really shouldn't involve her but another part of me is thinking well, dammit!  This Whimpy Pallav was given this awesome opportunity and she feels it's being usurped.

40

Oh, boy!  I'm turning the big 4 0 this year and honestly, 40 years ago, i don't think anyone would've thought this to be true.  I think most people would cringe at this and don't get me wrong, I'm still not 100% fuzzy bunny cozy with this but...

When I was born I almost...and should have died...the nurses who held me told my parents I was a fighter that they could hear it in my cries. I'm riddled with scars from surgeries that inevitably saved my life to prove it but as a young hoodlum saw them as sadistic tattoos i never asked for. 

Now as resembling something like an adult I'm finding that i want to really embrace these "tattoos" yet at the same time flip the universe the biggest, stinkiest, loudest bird ever all the while screaming at the top of my lungs....Dear, Universe...you lost (and in true Simpson style add a "ha ha")

When i was little, my mom would make me send Christmas cards to the doctor that saved me I never fully understood what this meant...until now. I'm not sure if he's still even alive, but if i could find his address, this year, I would send him a birthday card.

A little Freeing

It's no secret I've been working on my physical and mental health.  It's no secret I'm trying to be a happier more compassionate person.  It's also no secret that in order for me to do this I need to have a certain amount of discrimination on who, what and where I share my journey. With all of this in mind and within the last few days I have had a much more clear sense of what is important to me and what really I could AND SHOULD care less about.  It's not that I don't care at all....it's just not something that I would stop, drop, and roll to give attention to.  I'm finding more and more that my voice is getting lost in the minutia of policies, procedures, corporate lingo, and corporate expectations. I have found my throat is more tightened and soar with trying to be heard and get my point across. Speaking should not be that difficult. Walking away not feeling more frustrated then you did before you entered the room is not beneficial to my health.  I'm left to feel like that little Petunia in an Onion Patch.  Imogen Heap sings a very haunting rendition of the song but only a portion of the song.

This Whimpy Pallav has heard the universe and knows where i need to go.....I'm still needing some direction on what i need to do to get there. I'm doing the best I can but financially, i need a little help, Do i need to put out an S.O.S distress call on a beach using old driftwood to have the answer come to me?  I'll mediate this on a bit more.....

Derp

If Jiva had a poster child….here’s what it would look like:

Milo is one giant, furry, four footed hairball of a Jiva.  He can’t stay in one place for more than a second, he’s always getting himself into pickles.  I’m constantly saying “Milo NO” and he tries to subject his big sister in all of his shinannigans. He just can’t sit and rest for more than 5 min and he’s always peeking around corners to make sure he’s not missing anything fun.  Whenever I walk past him he swats me with his paw.  One time he smacked me in the bum! 

I’m telling you this because my own Jiva is running rampant and I needed to show a visual as to what I think my jiva might look like.  I can’t seem to get organized, I can’t finish projects, I’m always looking over to see what’s going on where and who is doing what. I can’t just focus on what I need to be doing.  I’m feeling scattered and overwhelmed with everything that I have to do.  I keep telling myself…o.k. when I get time I’ll finish X, when I get time I’ll start X, when I get time I’ll have more time.  X comes and X goes and I’m still stuck in the same spot I was 3 months ago and I’m still struggling to find the time.  Honestly, I really don’t know how some people do it.  Some people do have help of a partner and that’s great.  It’s twice as hard when you are on your own.  There’s no one to piggy back house hold chores, do the grocery shopping, make sure the garbage is out on the curb and putting them back in.  

My new regimen requires me to go to bed at 10 p.m. these days it’s just not possible.  I did cut down by dropping one class but this still leaves me with little time to do anything productive.  The demands put upon me are becoming more and more taxing.  How much do I have to give up before I completely end up in the nut house?  With the exception of an occasional get together with some old camp friends, I have no social life.  Who has the time!?  I find my day starts at 5:30 and doesn’t stop until I’m finished….IF I finish. Sometimes I just throw in the towel at 2 a.m. and surrender to the siren songs of my pillow. 

I keep thinking, if I could just have one afternoon to rest and collect myself I’ll be o.k. but that one afternoon never comes or if it does come, it’s fleeting.  Seems there is always some demand put upon me. In order to save my sanity I’m really going to have to start saying no.    So, in an effort  to settle my own little green hatted Jiva this Whimpy Pallav will not be readily available.  Please do not take this as a snub.  I-just-don’t-have-the-bandwidth.  At least not right now and if you are really paying attention you would know, this entire post was my Jiva poking, prodding and sniffing just to cause chaos and mayhem.  Much like my little furry friend, my Jiva is out of control.  As cute, cuddly, and full of love that he is my jiva is usurping my energy…This Whimpy Pallav has become her very own time bandit..

The Reminder

There’s always that one moment where two people connect.  Not just for a superficial reason but for a deep, spiritual, emotional, understanding that they connect.  No words need to be exchanged.  It could be a glance, a stance, or just an unspoken knowing.  This is a gift that doesn’t come around very often and when it does, it should be embraced and not taken for granted.

For me this experience happened when I went to pick up the ashes of my six month old kitten.   I picked up Twist and behind me was a lady who I overheard telling the receptionist that she too was there to pick up her recently departed pet.  I walked out of the vet and she soon followed suit.  She was parked right next to me and in that one moment we both had a glance of understanding.  Our beloved pets were reduced to ashes in a box and sitting in the front seat of both our cars.  I got out of my car and went around to her car and we both just hugged each other and had a little cry. 

It was a beautiful rationalization of human perceptive and compassion.  In that one moment we didn’t need to explain ourselves, we were strangers, and yet we were feeling, thinking, and acting on the same thing.  Two strangers for just that one split second in our lives knew that instinctively, just a hug was all we needed at that time.

Sure we both went home and buried our sorrow but after picking up our pets the wound was just as fresh as the instant the doctor said “I’m sorry”.  That one moment is so surreal that it will forever remind me that human compassion is the most underappreciated and misunderstood emotion.  It also taught me, to follow my heart, when it’s obvious that someone is in pain, all they need is a hug, kind word, or just someone to stop and listen to what they have to say.  We are all so busy in our own little lives that our blinders have been infused to our heads that recognizing someone’s pain and need for human compassion is often ignored.