Fingernails

I lived on the East Coast for most of my childhood and would frequent the Washington DC area.  We would usually take the train in and would snicker to myself every time we would encroach "Foggy Bottom".  We spent many hours at the Smithsonian and the usual haunts but one particular outing included a trip to the White House during Christmas time.  I was a small six year old and usually needed help to see things in large crowds (somethings never change).

On this particular day it was just my mom and I and it was the lighting of the Christmas tree. We were about ten rows back and I could just barely make out First Lady Rosalynn Carter through the curtain of people in front of us.  I remember telling my mom that I couldn't see very well but there was really nothing she could do about it.  Then it happened......

Out of nowhere this alabaster hand bejeweled with blood red talons reaches in, grabs my arm, pulls me away and shoves me in the front of the crowd.  The next 10 min is a bit of blur because i just stood there crammed in with a bunch of other kids thinking to myself "WTF just happened!?"  After the pictures were taken, speeches made, and all other plesantries were over everyone dispersed and when i found my mom a massive meltdown ensued.  I remember crying my eyeballs out!  It wasn't until later was it explained to me that they wanted more children in the front of the crowd and without even asking my mom some White House intern just grabbed me and stuck me in the front.  I guess looking back I should be grateful that I was given this opportunity but as a plucky six year old this just translated to be a very scary experience. 

Why am I telling you this? No particular reason.  Do I need a reason?

Fraud

I've been slacking on the writing thing...there's no excuse just being lazy but sitting here trying to figure out what to write about and read and re-reading some of my older posts and one thing kept popping up "Romny, you are a fraud".  Countless times I've written how I am going to start putting myself out there and how I'm going to change my sad sack of a life but to tell the truth, I've been saying this for over 3 years now and frankly, nothing except for my waist size has changed (and not for the better).

It's no secret that reading, reflecting and thinking are things that I love to do but these are done too much.  When situations call for it I do step up and try to make an effort and participate.  When in a work situation or a small group (3-4 people) I'm a rock star but put me in a roomful of people that I don't know and I shrivel up and become the awkward wallflower social nightmare.  Which leads me to believe that my natural state of being is one of solitude, reflection, quiet, and peace. 

There's a saying that I love to use..."Shit or get off the pot" I hate it when people who I have known for some time bitch and moan about the same problems but yet show no willingness to do anything about their situation.  I'm afraid, readers of this Pallavian, I'm one of these people too.  Even I'm sick and tired of hearing my own voice piss and moan about how fat I am, how lonely I am, how I'm gonna make things different.  My inner counselor is telling me "shit or get off the pot!".

For me, the key word is "accountability".  There is no one that I need to be accountable for or too, oh, no, wait, the healthy person would say "I need to be accountable to myself".  Thank you, Joe Goodie Two Shoes, don't you think I already know that!?  Right before school let out I got busted again.  My doctor asked me how much of a spiritual person am I.  My initial response was I don't belong to an organized religion which was quickly corrected that that's not what the question was.  What she was asking was what do I do for my soul that grounds me.    For a long time I have been avoiding the elephant in the room; that is and I'm not looking for pity here, but I've always felt like the "oh by the way" the "oops we forgot about" the "oh, yeah, didn't even think about you".  I'm invisible and for the most part I would be o.k. with that but physician heal thyself....I need to shake this feeling of worthlessness because frankly, I'm starting to fade and fear eventually I will just disappear and for that reason I do start to light lamps or chant but only for a short time.  I have no ability to keep it up.

I took the last two months of 2012 off and intended to use that time to get things done that I have had to put on the back burner due to work and school.  For that entire time (with the exception of the last two weeks) I was the lucky recipient of a bronchial infection that would cause me to spew up things that frankly horrified me.  I lost my insurance but schlepped myself to the doctors anyway who in turn gave me inhalers that for the most 98.9% have worked!  I've still got some coughing but I don't sound like a smokers cough infused with the sound of the last drops of a milk shake being sucked out of a straw.

So what AM I doing?  I was recommended a book that took me a very long time to get "Happiness Unfolded: Self Unfoldment in an Interactive World" by Swami Bodhananda.  I've started reading and am pleased that I already know some of the concepts that he discusses as we discuss them in class.  My intention is to complete the book and use these tools flawlessly so that this fraud can get a backbone.

Year in reivew

Hi,

2012 is nearing it's end and I'm finding myself reflecting...

First the given:

-Yes, I'm STILL single...hello? cupid? did you die!!????  It's not for lack of trying.. men just think with their penis more than their heart and soul these days...I guess.

-Yes, I'm still pretty much happy with my life....have my own home.

Next the new:

After much meditation and a nightmarish/fearful lecture from my Dr. I have resigned from my job.   I'm sick, I'm very sick and I need to get my health to a level to where me and  my Dr. feels more confident that i won't keel over. As a result and after much pro/con meditation I quit my just shy 7 year job in publishing to concentrate on my health and turn my efforts into a field that over the years has become near and dear to me.

Through out the the year i have posted what has been on my mind but you really have no idea what has been in my soul.   Over the last year I have been embarking on my own health, mental and physical, journey.  Silently i have been fighting my demons and silently I have been slaying my nemesis.

Stay tuned for more.....

New Segment-4 a.m. role-call with Milo 12/13-12/16

Hi,

In light of yesterday's senseless tragedy I wanted to bring a little whimsy into my life.  I'm starting a new segment called "4 a.m. role-call with Milo" where i will post the whereabouts of my one year old tabby at 4 a.m. Postings will cover an entire week as not to over post.  I will not be sharing this on my Facebook page because come on- even I know that's just a little too close to being labeled the "crazy cat lady" and I'm sure no one really wants to know or cares exactly where my furry kid is at 4 a.m. Not sure how long i can keep this up or how many times per week I will actually be up at 4 a.m. but it will be fun when I can. This is for pure entertainment and something to post.

Thursday, Dec. 13:  Sitting on my bedside table starring at me in the dark (evidence attached):

Friday, Dec 14: Under the sheets hogging the ENTIRE bed.  This cat literally pushes my legs to the side so he can stretch out.

Saturday, Dec 15:  He's no where to be found but racing up the stairs can be heard.  I'd also like to make an honorable mention that his sister, Lenore is also MIA.  I suspect they are trying out for the buffalo races.

Sunday, Dec 14: Snuggled up in my armpit...my arm is aching!

Prayer

It's super late and I'm super tired but i also wanted to get this down before i went to sleep....It was a dark and stormy night....o.k. sorry, had to do it.  It was dark and it was stormy and yes, it was night but on my two hour drive home my brain was churning with all the thoughts from the evenings activity of listening to one of my favourite authors speak.

I've heard Anne Lamott before at the Book Passage in San Rafael something like 15 years ago so I was much overdue for another visit.  Why is she one of my favorite authors?  In my humble opinion, she writes in a style that for me flows beautifully.  She has a healthy balance of humor and topics that are very real and she's local therefore the towns she sets her books in are local and it's really easy for me to follow as to where the characters are physically in the stories.

Tonight's reading was based off of her latest book: Help, Thanks, Wow.  A short book (100 pages or so) on prayer.  Now, I don't belong to any religious organizations but from what I've read of the book (only have read up to the 2nd chapter) It's not really about religion persay but the notion that there is a hodgepodge of pain and suffering in this world and we, as humans, all need a little compassion towards one another. Someone crying for help is just looking for a little compassion and just knowing that there is another soul willing to slog through the crap even if it's just as a sounding board or shoulder to rest upon while one gets their balance prayer does not discriminate.  There is no right or wrong way to pray nor are there any hidden agendas.  For example, I prayed that I would get home without hydroplaning my car on the freeway...

She also mused about random observations like:

-When you are faced with those monkey mind jiva like thoughts of "my butt looks fat" or "I'm not good enough" or "that group of people are saying not so nice things about me" stop and ask yourself "Do I really have the time for this thought"?  For the most part the answer is most often "NO".  Asking yourself this question is not out of ego but more about what is important to you and what is real. 

-One woman asked "I'm a writer and a Christian how do i get people to not put a label on me?" In this humble Pallav's opinion, this person just labeled herself to an auditorium full of people and my first thought was "Well, don't tell people that!, duh!"  Being a writer has no bearing on what your personal religion is unless you are writing for the Christian community it shouldn't matter what your religion is.

-She brought up some highlights that I've been working on for myself..things like being present, finding something that grounds you (like lighting a lamp-yes, she said that), find what resonates with you and keep it near and dear.  These are all things I've been learning in my classes and things I've been gracefully reminded that I need to be more aware of in order for me to find absolute peace with myself.


Oh, and finally, got my copy of the book autographed.....tee hee

Hemanta

Ohhhhhhhh It's the most wonderful time of the year!  The leaves are a blowing and ghee is a flowing and there is Paneeeeeeeeeerr!  It's the most wonderful time of the yeaaaaar!!!!

We are now in Hemanta.  From November 14th to January 14th is the BEST time of the year.  For the next three months, food wise, anything goes!  The purpose of Hemanta is to build up good Kapha.  Kapha is stability, strength, and gives you structure.  This season also coincides with the Thanksgiving and various December holiday festivities so you want that turkey, go ahead, pumpkin pie, sure why not, extra dollop of whip cream go for it!  But be careful, everything in moderation:

You should eat foods that are cooling and pacifies Pitta,  Vatta will be undisturbed, Kapha will build up but in a healthy manner and your Agni is good.   All in all this is the season where all three doshas are balanced.  Foods that are sweet, sour and salty are best.  Things like meats and figs are recommended as well as sugar and eating a healthy dose of nuts.  To aid in your digestion, warm water is best as it opens up the channels and allows for all the sweet, salty & sour nutrition from the foods into your system and nourishes your dahtus.

For your lifestyle, exercise is recommended along with plenty of sex.  Want a baby? Now's the time. Extra oiling of the body is recommended to keep the joints in the body working smoothly and skin looking supple.  And warm clothing is also recommended.

Oh, and also in Hemanta, this happened:

Small Victories

Well, this Whimpy Pallav is slowly but surely making her way to be a non-Whimpy Pallav.  I did something this week that was scary yet necessary.  I feel good about my decision and know that in the long run this will be beneficial for not just my going forward with my learning and seeking but my body and soul.  I can already feel the tension lifting and my authentic self is starting to emerge.   

I've always known i needed to take charge of the situation.  One of my favorite sayings is "best you make changes before changes are made for you".  No one has the right to make you feel small and un-important.  After several attempts to voice my concerns and them being dismissed and construed as complaining it occurred to me....I'm not really complaining to them; I'm complaining to myself and the reason why nothing is being done is because I am not making the effort to change.  Well readers of this Pallavian....I've done it.  I've taken control of the situation.  I don't know what took me so long. I'm usually on top of other aspects of my life but for some reason when it came to this one area and I coward in the corner waiting for the ever so coveted approval that frankly was never going to come.  I'm getting to know myself on a deeper level and in these lessons I've learned that I'm so much more than a carbon based walking blob. 

On Thursday nights my teacher holds Satsangs, these are short 1 hour spiritual lessons to ease the mind and feed the soul.  I find that I struggle with a lot that life throws at me and when I hear her teachings I try to apply them to my own life and how I can better myself.  Last week her lecture was about the seven levels of relationships, based on the seven chakras, and letting things pass as they will.  Whatever happens happens and there is no point in getting worked up over it. 

Brahm Satyam Jagana Mithyā

(Decommission your Jiva mind)

One layer am struggling with was the student/student relationship or in my case coworker/coworker relationship.  This is the third chakra which is located in the upper stomach area.  This hold anger, desire, conflict.   So for me I interpret this to mean that this is the make or brake in a professional career and how we perceive each other is how things happen.  Whether it be an act of working as a team or sabotaging one person to benefit yourself.  To me this seems contradictory since i consider (others may disagree) that I am fairly easy to work with and can manage to get along with everyone.  But looking back I think the only person i was sabotaging was myself.  There are those few that just push my buttons and i think the reason why is they are showing me aspects of myself that I may not (or I do and don't want to) see and forcing me to deal with those aspects.

I decommissioned my SOB of a Jiva and you know what, the heavens opened up and brought to me the answer that I've been seeking to the question of : I know where I want to go I just don't know what to do to get there.  I think the crux of my struggle was that deep down I knew my life path was no longer the current path I was walking.  My beliefs and experiences for finding peace of mind body and soul is changing and with that are my desires to share and spread that you don't have to be miserable, suffering or unloved.    

So dear Pallavian readers, this Whimpy Pallav did something brave.  She surrendered to the universe, gave her notice and knows that everything will be o.k.