Dear Universe;

I'm taking this journey not just for better physical health but mental.  If the last week has taught me anything it's that the demons that I battle are still around, perhaps not as much to the surface but suppressed only to creep back up when I least expect it.  I'm fighting not just for my physical well being but my mental.  Thoughts of regret, loneliness, embarrassment, self loathing , and that son-of-bitch jealousy invade and consume my very being and I can hear that evil part of me, Jiva mocking me and it has a hold on me so tight, much like when a dog has a toy and will not let it go. 

I've been given the challenge to look at myself in the mirror and look deep within me.  Right now, I really don't like what I'm seeing, thinking, or feeling.  I've got this sense of entitlement that which in-fact is not mine.  I wallow in self pity and secretly loathe those around me that have support not only in ever day life but love and laughter.  I sit here thinking, what's wrong with me!  Why can't I have that support too!  Someone once told me I was evil, and perhaps I am, I want to redeem myself for sins I've done in the past.  I want to be able to say "I'm sorry" without wanting to snicker.

The good news is that I was under the false belief that my Kharma is broken and almost unrepairable.  I'm learning that there are ways to reclaim my dignity and am able to clean myself up.  It's not going to be fun, it's not going to be pretty; in fact, it's going to get VERY VERY messy.

It's time, time to make changes.  Changes in my physical, mental well being as well as changes in my mission in life.  It's going to be challenging for me to be able to look at myself in the mirror and actually love the person staring back at me.   

I've had that Talking Heads song, "I'm on the Road to Nowhere" stuck in my head all night.  It's true, when someone is facing a challenge or going through a rough patch it's the friends that don't leave you, support you, and will offer a hand when you fall.   I'm asking my authentic friends to bear with me because this Whimpy Pallav is about to get medieval on her arse!