Prayer

It's super late and I'm super tired but i also wanted to get this down before i went to sleep....It was a dark and stormy night....o.k. sorry, had to do it.  It was dark and it was stormy and yes, it was night but on my two hour drive home my brain was churning with all the thoughts from the evenings activity of listening to one of my favourite authors speak.

I've heard Anne Lamott before at the Book Passage in San Rafael something like 15 years ago so I was much overdue for another visit.  Why is she one of my favorite authors?  In my humble opinion, she writes in a style that for me flows beautifully.  She has a healthy balance of humor and topics that are very real and she's local therefore the towns she sets her books in are local and it's really easy for me to follow as to where the characters are physically in the stories.

Tonight's reading was based off of her latest book: Help, Thanks, Wow.  A short book (100 pages or so) on prayer.  Now, I don't belong to any religious organizations but from what I've read of the book (only have read up to the 2nd chapter) It's not really about religion persay but the notion that there is a hodgepodge of pain and suffering in this world and we, as humans, all need a little compassion towards one another. Someone crying for help is just looking for a little compassion and just knowing that there is another soul willing to slog through the crap even if it's just as a sounding board or shoulder to rest upon while one gets their balance prayer does not discriminate.  There is no right or wrong way to pray nor are there any hidden agendas.  For example, I prayed that I would get home without hydroplaning my car on the freeway...

She also mused about random observations like:

-When you are faced with those monkey mind jiva like thoughts of "my butt looks fat" or "I'm not good enough" or "that group of people are saying not so nice things about me" stop and ask yourself "Do I really have the time for this thought"?  For the most part the answer is most often "NO".  Asking yourself this question is not out of ego but more about what is important to you and what is real. 

-One woman asked "I'm a writer and a Christian how do i get people to not put a label on me?" In this humble Pallav's opinion, this person just labeled herself to an auditorium full of people and my first thought was "Well, don't tell people that!, duh!"  Being a writer has no bearing on what your personal religion is unless you are writing for the Christian community it shouldn't matter what your religion is.

-She brought up some highlights that I've been working on for myself..things like being present, finding something that grounds you (like lighting a lamp-yes, she said that), find what resonates with you and keep it near and dear.  These are all things I've been learning in my classes and things I've been gracefully reminded that I need to be more aware of in order for me to find absolute peace with myself.


Oh, and finally, got my copy of the book autographed.....tee hee

Hemanta

Ohhhhhhhh It's the most wonderful time of the year!  The leaves are a blowing and ghee is a flowing and there is Paneeeeeeeeeerr!  It's the most wonderful time of the yeaaaaar!!!!

We are now in Hemanta.  From November 14th to January 14th is the BEST time of the year.  For the next three months, food wise, anything goes!  The purpose of Hemanta is to build up good Kapha.  Kapha is stability, strength, and gives you structure.  This season also coincides with the Thanksgiving and various December holiday festivities so you want that turkey, go ahead, pumpkin pie, sure why not, extra dollop of whip cream go for it!  But be careful, everything in moderation:

You should eat foods that are cooling and pacifies Pitta,  Vatta will be undisturbed, Kapha will build up but in a healthy manner and your Agni is good.   All in all this is the season where all three doshas are balanced.  Foods that are sweet, sour and salty are best.  Things like meats and figs are recommended as well as sugar and eating a healthy dose of nuts.  To aid in your digestion, warm water is best as it opens up the channels and allows for all the sweet, salty & sour nutrition from the foods into your system and nourishes your dahtus.

For your lifestyle, exercise is recommended along with plenty of sex.  Want a baby? Now's the time. Extra oiling of the body is recommended to keep the joints in the body working smoothly and skin looking supple.  And warm clothing is also recommended.

Oh, and also in Hemanta, this happened:

Small Victories

Well, this Whimpy Pallav is slowly but surely making her way to be a non-Whimpy Pallav.  I did something this week that was scary yet necessary.  I feel good about my decision and know that in the long run this will be beneficial for not just my going forward with my learning and seeking but my body and soul.  I can already feel the tension lifting and my authentic self is starting to emerge.   

I've always known i needed to take charge of the situation.  One of my favorite sayings is "best you make changes before changes are made for you".  No one has the right to make you feel small and un-important.  After several attempts to voice my concerns and them being dismissed and construed as complaining it occurred to me....I'm not really complaining to them; I'm complaining to myself and the reason why nothing is being done is because I am not making the effort to change.  Well readers of this Pallavian....I've done it.  I've taken control of the situation.  I don't know what took me so long. I'm usually on top of other aspects of my life but for some reason when it came to this one area and I coward in the corner waiting for the ever so coveted approval that frankly was never going to come.  I'm getting to know myself on a deeper level and in these lessons I've learned that I'm so much more than a carbon based walking blob. 

On Thursday nights my teacher holds Satsangs, these are short 1 hour spiritual lessons to ease the mind and feed the soul.  I find that I struggle with a lot that life throws at me and when I hear her teachings I try to apply them to my own life and how I can better myself.  Last week her lecture was about the seven levels of relationships, based on the seven chakras, and letting things pass as they will.  Whatever happens happens and there is no point in getting worked up over it. 

Brahm Satyam Jagana Mithyā

(Decommission your Jiva mind)

One layer am struggling with was the student/student relationship or in my case coworker/coworker relationship.  This is the third chakra which is located in the upper stomach area.  This hold anger, desire, conflict.   So for me I interpret this to mean that this is the make or brake in a professional career and how we perceive each other is how things happen.  Whether it be an act of working as a team or sabotaging one person to benefit yourself.  To me this seems contradictory since i consider (others may disagree) that I am fairly easy to work with and can manage to get along with everyone.  But looking back I think the only person i was sabotaging was myself.  There are those few that just push my buttons and i think the reason why is they are showing me aspects of myself that I may not (or I do and don't want to) see and forcing me to deal with those aspects.

I decommissioned my SOB of a Jiva and you know what, the heavens opened up and brought to me the answer that I've been seeking to the question of : I know where I want to go I just don't know what to do to get there.  I think the crux of my struggle was that deep down I knew my life path was no longer the current path I was walking.  My beliefs and experiences for finding peace of mind body and soul is changing and with that are my desires to share and spread that you don't have to be miserable, suffering or unloved.    

So dear Pallavian readers, this Whimpy Pallav did something brave.  She surrendered to the universe, gave her notice and knows that everything will be o.k.

The Nine Pound Bully

It saddens me that someone feels so low so beaten so emotionally scarred that in order to survive feels that making another human being feel just as low, beaten or emotionally scarred will aid in their own healing.  Well, it doesn't.  You just look like a fool.  As a former recipient of those aforementioned bullies when I see another human or animal being bullied it effects me to the core. From the tender age of 10 to just out of high school I was bullied and I didn't really do anything wrong, people just felt that it was o.k. to treat me that way.  In high school I even contemplated moving to another county because i was un happy and dreaded going.  I remember one particular phone call i received it was just before graduation and somehow this person got my phone number.  I never talked to this person we had a few classes but i never really associated with her. She said she was calling to invite me to a school wide party and everyone would be there...i could hear laughter and snickering and one nasty comment about me in the background where upon I respectfully declined. What happened to this person that was so horrible that they had to be that mean spirited?  Another incident was at a school function where we had to pick teams. I remember one boy in particular looked at me and said "Eww" ; ummm excuse me, you don't even know me!   Yes, High School was not fun for me.  I left town the day I graduated and never looked back.  Why?  Because of the daily targeting for bullies.

This morning i came to the realization that there is a bully in my midst.  As I was getting out of bed and ready to start my day I am usually greeted by my sweet Lenore.  She usually sits quietly next to me or she was conducts her famous "drive bys".  She likes to start at the window, jump down from her perch, walk around the bed to the other side, jump on the bed and walk right across my chest back to the window. She does this five or six times until eventually I do get up to get her morning snackie cake. 

This morning Lenore was doing her morning rounds and in between she would sit quietly on the bedside table and wait.  She was minding her own business when her younger brother sprung out of nowhere and attacked her.  This wasn't your usual kitty playtime attack this was the act of a bully!  She jumped off the bed and started to walk out whereupon I heard a yowl and when i looked over Lenore was on the ground in defensive mode and Milo was standing over her.  It was clear Lenore wanted to be left alone yet Milo kept egging her on. 

I will not have this behavior in my house.  Milo was given a time out and Lenore was able to get her bearings.  After about 5 min in timeout Milo was given his breakfast.  I don't condone bullying.  It's hurtful, un necessary and brutal.  People are losing their loved ones because someone else cannot be civilized and feel that making someone else feel low and unimportant will somehow boost themselves up.  If bullying boosted your self esteem so much so that everyone is your friend and you are well liked then why are there only a few cowards that do it?

This is something that really shakes me to a core. This Whimpy Pallav will not stand for bullying especially in her own home and certainly not by members of her family (furry or otherwise).

Cancer

To offset the fact that i have no social life, probably never will, I have decided to delve myself even deeper into the knowledge of healing the mind, body and soul.  With this I attended a one day lecture on Ayruvedic practices and cancer prevention.  Having a father, grandfather, and stepfather all diagnosed with some form of cancer; the disease is not a new term or concept for me and i refuse to succumb to the assumption that I'm also a high risk candidate.  I'm really glad I went to this lecture.  Some of what was discussed was not new material for me, some was, and some, I was surprisingly and gratefully reassured that without my knowing I was already on the road to a cancer free life.

According to Ayruvedic principles the #1 cause for cancer is stress.  Living in a society of the gotta have it nows, my toy is bigger, badder, and has more trinkets as well as one belief being that success is defined by how much money you have can be taxing on one and interfere with what is more of a Sattvic lifestyle.

There was a lot shared but here are just a few take aways:

-In the sea of life Ayruveda shows us how to keep our heads above the waves and stay with the current by adjusting our thoughts, eating and physical being....in other words, the instructor prescribed us with a healthy dose of "Just keep swimming" (reminds me of a certain absent minded blue fish)

-Practicing yoga or meditation 45 min before you start your day and 45 min before you go to bed not only grounds you for the day but settles your monkey mind for a restful sleep

-Eating more seasonally appropriate foods and preferably vegetarian (but who am I kidding, I love a good steak now and then) accompanied with garnishes such as cilantro, methi (which is sanskrit for Fenugreek), and chutneys help digest your meal and clears out the pallet.

-With food Spices such as garlic, tumeric, cumin, asafetida (but just a pinch this stuff is potent!), Onion, cardamom, coriander and ginger all help in their own special way.

-Drinking warm water or herbal teas (green tea in particular) are good substitutes for the thirst. 

-Some after food spices are things like fennel, nutmeg, cinnamon and ginger.  You can also use some of the same spices noted for putting into your meal.

This Whimpy Pallav walked way with some nuggets of wisdom and a new regimen to her diet and lifestyle.  You better watch out because i will be carrying a supply of Cancer arsenal and you might just get a pultice full of tumeric shoved down your throat...


but I mean that in the most sattvic way

Frustrations of a Pallav

August was my summer break and boy oh boy did I need it.  I think I've recovered...for the most part.  I managed to do quite a bit of de-cluttering.  I cleaned out my garage got it to the point where i could put my car inside, there's no room for anything else, but it's in there and office is about 80% cleaned out.  With all of the clearing out of thneeds I'm left to start thinking about clearing out the clutter in my mind.  My anxieties, doubts, second guesses, and most of all fears.

I'm not talking about fears of things that go bump in the night I'm talking about pure unadulterated fear of what am i doing or where am i going?   Am I being true to myself?  Honestly, I think for the most part I am but for the more part I definitely have work to do in this area.  I think the reason there is a stalemate is because I really, authentically, plain just don't know!  As I've mentioned before I know where I want to be I just don't know where or how to get there.  I feel like I'm grasping at thoughts and ideas and concepts just hoping that one of these will make the most sense and become the catalyst to my feeling like a worthy human being.  I honestly don't feel like I contribute anything of significance and fight to be heard on a regular basis.  Is this selfish?  Yes, probably.  I don't like feeling like this.  

I'm probably just being a whinny little snot but i need to get this out.  I feel unvalidated.  I feel that my thoughts and ideas and writings and anything else i do are not taken respectfully.  For years now, I write things or say things and they are quickly dismissed.  Am I crazy? Am I really that stupid that what i say or think or do is just dumb!?  I can understand it happening now and then but it seems it happens more and more.  For example, I was asked to head the blog of my school. I was connected with a person to work with and we had one meeting and every time after that i would try to connect with the person and there was no response.  It seems that every idea i had or thought I had about what it should be about were dismissed and at the end of the day the blog went live and I had no knowledge or input on it whatsoever.  This was not due to lack of my attempts to participate.  I was not included in these ideas and I am left with the thought of "what is my role here!?"

I'm on the verge of asking for a meeting with my teacher about it.  Part of me is thinking I really shouldn't involve her but another part of me is thinking well, dammit!  This Whimpy Pallav was given this awesome opportunity and she feels it's being usurped.

40

Oh, boy!  I'm turning the big 4 0 this year and honestly, 40 years ago, i don't think anyone would've thought this to be true.  I think most people would cringe at this and don't get me wrong, I'm still not 100% fuzzy bunny cozy with this but...

When I was born I almost...and should have died...the nurses who held me told my parents I was a fighter that they could hear it in my cries. I'm riddled with scars from surgeries that inevitably saved my life to prove it but as a young hoodlum saw them as sadistic tattoos i never asked for. 

Now as resembling something like an adult I'm finding that i want to really embrace these "tattoos" yet at the same time flip the universe the biggest, stinkiest, loudest bird ever all the while screaming at the top of my lungs....Dear, Universe...you lost (and in true Simpson style add a "ha ha")

When i was little, my mom would make me send Christmas cards to the doctor that saved me I never fully understood what this meant...until now. I'm not sure if he's still even alive, but if i could find his address, this year, I would send him a birthday card.