Week in Review

I had a really bad week two weeks ago which lead to that son-of-a-bitch severe anxiety and a small massive meltdown. It also lead me to slip from my new health regimen and oh boy did I feel it! Not just in my body but my thoughts and feelings too.  I found myself eating fast food (YUCK), not following my new morning routine, and feeling useless, worthless, irritable, and unsupported.  The good news out of this is I didn't rely on my "happy pills" to get me through.

My eating went from Kapha reducing, weight reducing, and jiva reducing recipes to those that fed my jiva even more with not exercising, eating foods that are just not good for people in general but for me especially are toxic in this season. I knew they were bad and I did them anyways.  My actions didn't come from a place of resentment or rebelling.  They came from a place of shear fear in all aspects of my life for my future.  It's easy to say not to worry about finances which would be wonderful if the mortgage, insurance, and utility companies felt the same way but unfortunately, if you can't pay, you don't get a house, car, or electricity.

There is a lot of emphasis on building self esteem in children, not to berate them or make them feel small but i think it's also important to do the same to adults.  Especially when their livelihood is in jeopardy.  Even with adults, hearing constant negative feedback can leave you feeling useless, redundant, incompetent, and leaves your soul feeling numb.  I'm not saying you have to constantly coddle but a "thank you" or "good job" every so often can make all the difference.  Lines of communication should not be staggered and criticism should be coming from a place of mutual respect and not anger or frustration.

I spent a good portion of this past week spring cleaning, meditating, and exploring my little island.   I spent some time contemplating on what transpired in the last few weeks and "tried" to decompress and regain my self confidence.  It's a lot easier to give the advice to just let it go but for me;  my self worth has been pulverized to the point I just don't know how to get it back.

After much meditation I find that I'm having to prove myself over and over and over and as long as I know that what I do is out of good intention and I put effort into everything I do I know I'm doing the best I can with the tools I'm given.  This still leaves me with feeling isolated and unsupported.  The clear answer is there and I know where I want to go I just need to figure out how to get there. 

While this Whimpy Pallav is setting her course here's a little ditty to help the time pass and a funny picture of how I'm usually woken up in the mornings (yes, they pile on top of me and sit there staring at me until I get up-notice how Lenore strategically places her tummy right near my ears so I can hear it grumbling).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQ_y-WQOU-Q&hd=1

P.S. anyone want to show me how to add videos without the link?