A present to be present

I had a really deep discussion with my Ayurveda Doctor this morning.  We were talking about what it means to be present in our bodies.  I explained how whenever I'm either doing self hypnosis or chanting in class it is very easy for me to disconnect and go into a trance of some sort but for me to come back to reality takes a good 15-20 min.  She expressed her concern for this because not of the quickness to go deep but the time it takes me to come back to the earthly plain should not be as slow.  I further explained how I love to be in this state as it relaxes me; she pointed out that this is kind of your escape.  I have to say, yes, that was shocking to hear but as I think more and more about our conversation I realize she's hit the nail on the head.  I do feel like I'm "checking out" of sorts.  I began to explore the reasoning's for this. 

On my drive home I remembered an outing I had with some friends.  We were at breakfast and I ordered an omelet without hash browns.  One friend I was with piped up and said "you don't want fruit" the waitress waited for me to answer and apparently I didn't answer quick enough because she said "She'll have fruit" whereupon I said "No, I don't think I want fr...(I was interrupted)" "no, order the fruit if she doesn't want it I'll eat it"  Me, in a LOUDER tone but politely to the waitress (ALWAYS be polite to the food server ;) ), "No, thank you but I don't want fruit"... This whole interaction needn't and shouldn't have happened.  Why do people think they have to "mother" me all the time!   Even as I think about this I can feel my breathing becoming more heavy and my shoulders start to tighten up.  I am a grown woman and don't feel that I should have to order fruit if I don't want it.  Wow, even writing this it is so stupid silly!  

This bodily reaction also brings me back to the first post about how Karma effects your body.   As I explored this I realized that stress isn't just something I need to diminish but made me realize that the impression I have on people is one of being someone that can't take care of themselves nor make decisions on her own.  I started thinking back in other my interactions with friends. I often find myself struggling to validate my feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.  Choices that I make are quickly dismissed and made for me and there is no regard for the fact that I'm a grown woman and not in need for a mother.  I think by surrounding myself with people, good people mind you, but people who never-the-less do not validate me. I tend to "check out" whenever i start to hear the nagging.

So, with that said it is a little bit more clear to me why I "check out" and how I do this, that's easy, as I've been practicing the art of being mindful of all that I'm changing.  I need to catch myself when I feel the urge to go into my "space".  This Whimpy Pallav is giving herself the present to make it a mandatory act of being present.